Letting Go of Someone You Love

Recently I had to let someone go.  It was someone I loved very much, and our lives had gone on two different paths in such a way that I was no longer understanding her position, and she no longer understood mine.  Conversations became drainfests in which I was giving energy, and she was taking it.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and every day I miss her more.  Yet I have a deep seated belief that people meet at certain times in their lives, interact and learn from one another, and then they move on.  To stay longer than is appropriate stunts each others’ growth, and can do more harm than good.  Better to let go.

Guilt Free Self Confidence

Here is an example of one of my new Guilt Free Life cards, which will be released in a bound mini-book in late 2011. It’s a 24-page “feel-gooder” that won’t be horribly expensive, but you can throw it in your purse or car and glance at one of 22 different reminders of how to live guilt free every day. I will be offering free downloads of the cards here and there so that you can print them out before the book is released.

You can download this one here.

The Difference between Blame and Responsibility

People like me are perfectionists;  and when we make a decision about something, and it doesn’t come out well, we perfectionists like to beat ourselves up about what we did wrong.  I am one to take responsibility for my actions, sometimes to the point of virtual self-flagellation.  Because perfectionists believe that we should have headed these bad decisions off at the turn, before we went careening off the cliff of despair into no man’s land.  We should have had enough intelligence to analyze both sides of the situation, create pro-and-con lists, extrapolate the consequences of each decision and visualize the outcome to our benefit.

Yet other obligations get in the way, and usually there’s not enough time to complete a full analysis of our decision before making one. So when it goes wrong, our minds come back to our lack of research and preparation for the decision.

So how do you react to your bad decision? There are two paths you can take: responsibility for the decision, or self blame for its outcome. It’s your choice, and I’m sure that you have taken both roads at one time or another.

Blaming yourself for not preparing properly incites that crippling, hand-wringing guilt that serves no one. Most likely you will replay the situation over in your mind, glaring at yourself for your stupidity every time you catch yourself in a mirror.

On the other hand, taking responsibility for your decision–no matter its outcome–does serve you. It reminds you that you are human, that you made the best decision that you could make in the time frame you were given. It allows you to cache the experience in your memory for next time, and sets precedent for future decisions. This is the healthier path every time.

Think of this: when you make a good decision, do you take responsibility for that? Many may say that it was luck, or providence, or coincidence. But in truth, it was just you, and you can give yourself a mental pat on the back. You don’t replay it in your mind over and over as you do after a decision with a negative outcome (if there really are any negative outcomes, since all actions can be viewed as lessons). You revel in it; you may even smile.

Let’s try taking responsibility, rather than self blame, for each decision and its consequences, no matter whether the outcome is perceived as good or bad. This is the way to a guilt free life.

Guilt Free Prosperity – Giving Away the Last Biscuit

After losing my house, my job, business and belongings in Hurricane Katrina, I rebuilt my life into a nice, comfortable cocoon.  I have a new house, and new belongings, and a new job and two new businesses.  I have money put away like they tell me I should, and I invest in stocks and diversify.  And as I amass cash, and things, I can say that they are nice to have.

Ha !  You thought I was going to say that they didn’t mean much, that material things shouldn’t matter.  Well, I don’t believe that one single bit.  Of course they matter.  And here’s why:

They matter because most of us have worked hard to earn them.

Yet for many of us, the belief that we have something means that someone else doesn’t has been sewn into many of our everyday perceptions by family or other authority since childhood.  Did your elders ever say things like this:

Don’t take it all, honey, leave some for someone else.
Don’t be greedy, you don’t need to have it all.

Now a kid looking at the last biscuit on the tray sees only one biscuit, and his grandmother’s chiding remark was meant to teach him manners by leaving the biscuit for the guest to eat.  If we really wanted more biscuits, we could make some, or buy some.  They are not really all gone.  But this stuff sticks in our minds; and our egos apply these principles where perhaps they do not really apply.

For now you’re grown up, and when you see that last biscuit, you remember the shortage, and you feel guilty because you really want it– but Grandma, she’s still there with you.  Now your rational adult self knows that there are more biscuits out there; there could be thousands of them if you had the time or money or perseverance to acquire them.

It’s the same way with wealth.  It’s there, for anyone who chooses it.   Anyone with the time, the money, or the perseverance to pursue it.  I say that everyone has these options, yet some are living in conditions that do not currently support their implementation as easily as others.

And here’s the part Grandma neglected to tell you, because maybe she didn’t get the connection at the time:  if you give that last biscuit away, then the means to make even more biscuits presents itself to you and to the recipient.   That’s the value of Guilt Free Prosperity.

Earn it.

Love it.

Spend it.

Save  it.

But please, give as much of it away as you can.

You may not see the value in one single biscuit,  but with the gift comes the ability to create more from what’s left.  Sure there’s more out there, but perhaps, like a biscuit baking in the oven, it’s your gesture that makes it easier for the prosperity grow.

 

Imperfections in Seemingly Perfect People

I have an arch enemy.

Not in the sense that I would like to see harm come to her, but in the sense that she is and does most of what I’d like to be and do myself.  Now since I believe in living a guilt free life, this doesn’t bode too well for the higher self.  The ego loves it, mind you, because it keeps me in my place and curbs my desire to stretch outside my comfort zone.

This person is a the most successful person I know.  She is young, beautiful, rich, a great family person, active in her church, and never seems to run out of time.  Her spouse–also beautiful of course– is a loving, complete person of his own.  They have gorgeous children that are courteous and gentle.  They drive nice cars.  They donate.  They build houses in Mexico. They work out regularly.  They have no bad habits.  They have college degrees and tons of friends and they have great parties.

They are what pretty much everyone wants to be.  It’s disgusting.

I know you are thinking that I am being resentful, envious, and jealous.  And yes, those emotions do cross my mind.  But I recognize them and send them on their way because they only cause guilt and fuel the fire of my ego.  What I focus on is a perfect example of an overachiever, who is at the far end of the bell curve (skewing it for the rest of us) but also giving us the opportunity to strive to be better in our own ways.

And then I look further inward, at some of the things that makes me different from her.  I look for my own positive qualities, ones that she may be lacking.  And I look without judgment, because surely there are things that I have learned about life that she hasn’t, and vice versa.

I recall that when she is frustrated, she comes to me to vent.  She feels like she can relate to me, even if I don’t always feel the same about her.  She confides in me, knowing that the feelings and opinions she expresses to me will go no farther.  She trusts me.  I have value to her, and she can demonstrate her own perceived weaknesses without fear of my judgment.

And despite being my arch enemy, she is my gentle reminder that not everyone can hold the same candle, nor should they.

How it can be a Big, and a Small, World at the Same Time

As of 2010, the estimated population on earth was 6.8 Billion people.  The surface area of all land on earth is about 57,506,000 square miles.  That means that each square mile on earth holds about 76 people, if they were spread evenly.  Think about a square mile around your house.  If you imagined 76 people in it, they’d be grouped together in families or tribes, and there would be lots of space in between.  You would most likely run into them sometime while on the way to forage, or to borrow an egg.  But you would most likely stick to those you know, and unless you needed something from a stranger, you would steer clear of unknowns.

But in today’s world, most people are clustered in metropolitan areas because the resources there are easier to obtain.  And chances are you run into people you know all the time.  And then you find out that people you know know other people you didn’t know that they knew, and they know you too.  In the language of Linked In, this would be a second connection.  Take the situation of a dear friend that I tried to set up with Joe, a soccer acquaintance of Jerry’s.  She and I ride horses; Joe and Jerry are soccer teammates.  Two different worlds.

So we invite them both over, these friends who are close to us but unknown to each other.  After some conversation, we all realize that they have a mutual friend, with whom Joe lives at the moment.  Small World.

Now take Zoe, an acquaintance in Florida with whom I have spoken on the telephone for over 3 years.  She’s crazy, and unforgettable, and our conversations would be loud and raucous.  Anyone that meets her would surely remember her strong personality and stunning good looks.  Her Facebook page has over 2900 fans, and twice as many people follow her on Twitter.

And she’s missing, and none of those people–whether first or second connections–know where she is.  How could such a vibrant, colorful and high profile person just disappear?  In a world where your cousin went to school with mine, where we can find Facebook friends from our junior high school classes, and where long lost friends can reunite after years of separation, how can someone actually disappear without a trace?

Now criminal conduct aside, which I pray is not the situation, Zoe could be the person to pull an Elvis, a Jim Morrison or a Marilyn.  But how do you make yourself invisible in this Small World?

My point here is this:  you are never really alone unless you want to be.  Just look outside, and most likely it won’t be long before you  see a face that you’ve seen before.  It’s the familiarity of community.  The peace in recognition.  The sense of being part of something.

Unless you don’t want to be, in which case, you can just pull a Zoe.

Realizing you are not the Center of the Universe

Yesterday, January 18, 2011, was a day of epiphany for me.

You see, until yesterday, I thought I was the center of the universe.  I existed to be the focus of attention at a party, the witty joke-deliverer, the one who made people laugh.  The one who was chosen for extra special assignments, for the writing jobs because of my excellent word choice.  The problem-solver.  The representative.  The level-headed one that could lead the group to success.

And yesterday, I gave up that role to others.  And with it, I gave up my self-perceived and  immense responsibility for saving the world.  I am free to live my life as a regular person.  I can enjoy my family, and can sit on the couch for four hours knitting without guilt.  I can draw a picture if I want to, or write a poem without the need to publish it and receive accolades from all that read it.

I am free!

At the ripe age of 45, I have realized that it’s not necessary to carry the world on my shoulders.  I can be a normal person without the need to be an overachiever.  What a relief and what a breath of fresh air.

So today, when things got rough, and I would normally have stepped in and led the team without being asked, I sat on the sidelines and observed.  I pictured myself as the wizened Eskimo elder, knowing that I could solve the problem but not forcing the solution on others.  I let them solve the problem, and when they looked to me for confirmation that their decision was a viable one, I simply nodded my head and let them take the credit.

What bliss.

Are You TOO Guilt Free?

Yesterday, my son called me a bitch.

Now, other people have done that in my younger years, but back then I had earned that label.  Nowadays, however, I think I may be on the lenient side of things, and let a lot of inappropriate actions and words by others just roll off my back.

Well, folks, that doesn’t work with kids, apparently.  Because they are watching you, and modeling you, and their behavior is learned from yours in a really big way.

I guess it started when I was working nights, and as I lay comatose in bed after being on my feet all night, my little tyke would crawl out of bed and switch on a DVD.  One morning, he tapped my shoulder as I slept, and said, “MOM!  The Matrix is everywhere.”  I should have taken this as a sign that perhaps I should be more careful about what he had access to, and to be fair to myself, there was no porn or other REALLY inappropriate materials in the house.

And after all, they are going to learn it soon, anyway, right?  Right.  They are going to learn it.  And they are going to look to you for your judgment on that material.  If you glaze right over the violence and the trench coat-wearing virtual mercenaries, then your kids are going to think that these types of movies are the norm, when indeed they should not be–at least for kids.

So being called a bitch was simply a symptom of the bigger problem–that I was too lax in my household, and that my quest to bring up an individual rather than a little carbon copy of myself went too far to the other extreme.  And I created an individual to which nothing was sacred.

According to Elaine Sihera on the Helium.com blog:

Children in homes where the parents do not treat each other with any respect, and where language is abusive, critical or inappropriate, tend to use those examples as their guidelines and behave accordingly. Parents teach their children not only through what they say, but most importantly, through what they DO. Children will pick up inappropriate and ambiguous behaviour when they have been set the wrong examples. The parents might not want that to happen but that is the only outcome where there is no other model to copy.

So, yes, it is possible to be TOO guilt free.  Remember that you are a model for your children, and being too lax is just as detrimental to their growth as being too strict.  Let them grow by feeding them the good stuff in the right portions.

Looking When We Should Be Looking Away

Why Do We Crave to Know More About Others’ Misfortunes?

The other day I was enduring the endless wait in solitary confinement at an Urgent Care Facility. Despite the nurse saying that the Doctor would be “right in,” I had been eyeing that shiny red Biohazard bucket since she’d shut the door on her way out. The bucket with its triangular arrow-shaped sign was the brightest thing in the room.  It could be empty, or it could be full. Maybe it contained body parts that had been chopped off by shrub trimmers, or foreskin, or crusted over scabs from a dog bite…or maybe it just contained soiled Q-Tips and bloody bandages from a fall on the cement. Either way, it was the fact that someone’s misfortune had contributed to its contents that consumed me.

This is the reason that drivel like reality shows, and soap operas and Jerry Springer can consistently bring in the bucks and the audience. Because people want to see others suffering more than they are. If Ashley slept with her mother’s boyfriend, and a mother-daughter catfight ensues, then for those few moments between commercials we can forget that we have problems of our own. And reveling in someone else’s problems, with its disconnection from our own reality, provides us with an escape if just for a few minutes.

I held back from peeking into the Biohazard bin, because someday, something of mine could be in there. And I would want dignity and respect to prevail over the torrid curiosity of others who would revel in my misfortune.

What your Children Learn from your Kind Acts

Your Children are Watching You

There’s something about learning by doing. After the January 12 earthquake in Haiti I learned more about my son than I had known about him in the first 12 years of his life. As he watched the people crying on CNN, being dug out of the rubble, bloody and homeless with no food or water, I saw my son’s eyes well up. He turned to me and he said, “We really need to help them! Look at those children; they have nothing to do.”  The thoughts of a child, concerned about the welfare of other children, because he had been in their place at one time.

And so with that, he conjured up the idea of sending yoyos down to the children so they had something to play with while Haiti was being rebuilt. We set about creating a website, yoyosforhaiti.com, and he wrote letters to all of the major yoyo manufacturers, who applauded him for his kindness and thoughtfulness towards the Haitian children. All but one contributed, as well as many individuals, and some went way out of their way to ensure that he met his goal of 500. It took a little while and some diligence on his part, but he followed through and he reached his goal. We took pictures along the way; we sent the press releases to CNN and the local news came to interview him. They asked him where his idea had originated, and his answer surprised even me. He said, “I know what it feels like to lose it all. I was homeless and I lost everything–even my cat–in Hurricane Katrina, and so I can understand how these children feel and I want them to feel better.”  My eyes welled up, as did those of the cameraman and the anchorwoman. For I thought that he had been too young during the Hurricane to equate it with a more adult-oriented sense of loss.

Here was true human compassion albeit in a small package; but it shows that kindness is still prevalent in our world and it gives me hope.  This is how we should want our children to grow up.  I was proud see my son display such love and empathy towards children he will never meet. I wanted to avoid taking any credit for myself. Yet when I look back at the little things that I’ve enjoyed giving to other people: those I don’t know; animals; children; the homeless–I  realized that he had been watching from the sidelines all along.  I was setting an example without even trying. And my mother had done the same thing before my own childish eyes, always giving as much she could despite having very little. She always had a smile for everyone she met, as do I to this day.

And so we pass the tendency for compassion down from generation to generation. We should be planning these lessons if they don’t come naturally to us, and we must ensure that those little acts of kindness are seen by our children and those around us. And when you see your child perform an act of kindness, make sure that praise and show appreciation. Because with the ripple effect, anybody who sees such acts is positively affected by them–whether they be a smile, a cold drink or a yoyo–and each observer will positively affect another in some small way.

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