Do You Hide in a Corner When Things Get Rough?

I admit it.  I am not the first to vocalize that I’ve been hurt.   It takes me a while to process things, and sometimes those who love me are left waiting for me to speak up.  Sometimes, I process my feelings, and there’s nothing more for me to say. Sometimes I am just plain WRONG, and a bit of processing time reveals this to me.

Sometimes, I need to follow up with the offender about my feelings.  Sometimes I realize that the problem is my own, I process my emotions, realize that I have been irrational, and I apologize.  Sometimes I hide away in denial until I can speak my mind.

Just a note, folks, that this is not a responsible way to solve your issues.

This is a form of denial, and it won’t get you far if you want to address issues like a grown up.

A better option:

It’s not a bad thing to want to think about what you want to say before you say it.  It worked for Mister Rogers, and it can work for you. If you have an issue with your significant other, a friend or a family member, and words have been exchanged, then it’s OK for you to tell the other party that you need some time to process what has gone on.

Rather than hiding in a corner and withholding your love, just TELL them that you need some time.  Here are some options:

“I know we have just had a conversation that included a lot of heated emotions.  I need to process this information, so please give me some time alone to do so.  My distancing myself from you is just me thinking about things, so please allow me some time alone to do that.”

“We talked about a lot tonight.  It might take me some time to process this information, so if I’m distant for a day or two, understand that I still love you and that I just need some time.”

This way, you have indicated to your loved ones that you love them, that you need some time to process your feelings, and that it’s important to you to process the information rather than just react.

Remember:  Once Said, Never Unsaid.

 

 

Learning the Language of Animals

I believe in reincarnation.  I believe that we choose whom or what we would like to emerge into the world as, whether it be a Tibetan monk or a hairstylist in Brooklyn.  Each life will have its challenges, its lessons, and very different interactions with very different beings, depending on the circumstances and environment in which we grow.

To me, an animal lover, I had some idea that animals were a very important part of human growth.  After all, how a human treats an animal shows us much about his character.  But I didn’t think of them as having equal intelligence as humans, simply because I thought that they lacked self awareness.  I believed that they thought, and felt, and had good days and bad days, but I didn’t believe that they reflected on these occurrences.  I didn’t think that past experiences could determine future behavior in an animal. But now I know otherwise.

I am reading a fascinating book called “Learning Their Language: Intuitive Communication with Animals and Nature,” by Marta Williams.  In the book, the author gives examples of her one on one communications with animals, which includes locating lost animals, assisting veterinarians in finding out what’s wrong, and solving past problems with previous human relationships gone bad.  The book showed me that anyone can talk to animals, and animals can talk back through mental images, in conversations much like humans can.

It does take some practice, and the author wants us to practice with animals we don’t own, since we are not so familiar with them.  I started with my horse, however, who I don’t see nearly enough, and I can say that we’re coming along just fine.  I can sense some reservation in his willingness to share with me, as perhaps he thinks that nothing will change anyway if he “speaks” his mind.  On my part, I am taking it slowly, not asking much, but merely sending love to him and the reminder that he will be with me for life.  He seems to be accepting of that, and I can notice a visible calming of his nerves and a general sense of well being after we “talk.”

As for the dogs, well anyone that knows my unruly dogs will know that there is a lot more work to be done with those to open the channel of communications…

All in all, I have learned a great lesson here in that both animals and humans, although in different external form, feel the same emotions, fear the same fears, and experience highs and lows inside.  The bonds that humans and animals share, and the respect humankind could show animals, would be so much stronger if we considered us all equal.




Guilt Free Non-Conformity–Doing Not as your Parents Did

It’s easy to follow the norm.  By norm, I am referring to following the preset description of how one’s life should be lived; or in other words, the way your parents did it.  Grow up, go to college, get a job, find someone to marry, have a few kids, and work for a while until you are old enough–or rich enough–to retire.  But what if you don’t feel at home in that skin?  What if your goals don’t include marriage, kids or retirement?  What if you decided to switch the order around, or you didn’t spend the suggested amount of time on any one segment of your life, jumping past one right into the other?  What would your parents, or friends, or authority, say about you because they may think you’re making a cosmic boo-boo by  not following the pre-defined pattern of our Western culture?

 

Well, that’s my life, and as of recently, it seems like whatever pattern I was supposed to follow just fell down the rabbit hole along with myself and those I love. I, for one, incurred the doubt of many of my older friends who cautioned me to slow down, to take it easy, to see where things go and be on my guard.  But, for once, my head, my heart and my gut all agree, telling my common sense to take a back seat and just watch for a while. I find myself being myself, with no odd moments of trying to be someone different, or trying to mold myself to be something someone else wants me to be.  I could just be me, and be accepted for who I am–good and not so good–in my own, self-defined skin.  And to those who cautioned me that I was going too fast, I take your heed, and I blatantly ignore your warnings.  Everything seems to be working for us without the need to follow the same timeline that you, and your parents, did.

Supporting Something that Ends up Hurting You

There are people that you meet that influence your life in some sort of small way.  And then there are people that you meet that change you in enormous ways.  Usually this is unexpected, and you really may not know that you are being affected in such a large way until that relationship changes and you are disconnected from that person.  That distance gives you time to think.

This happened recently when one of my dearest friends moved far away.

Our relationship started as a professional one, where I hired her to train my horse, and me, on how to get along nicely with others.  In the meantime, we grew together as friends, sharing a love for horses, life and the common struggles that women endure in these times.  But her life here was a troubled one;  she could never fulfill her true dream in this place and time.  She made the decision to accept an offer 1500 miles away;  one that would bring her closer in alignment to her goal of training and showing high echelon Saddlebreds in the show circuit.

Now me, as a good friend, I should have supported her.  But did I?  No.  I didn’t.  I projected my sadness and disappointment and–OK I’m saying it–envy–that she was one step closer to her dream, and she was leaving me in the dust both professionally and by abandoning (from my perspective) our friendship.  I was so self-absorbed that I couldn’t be happy for my best friend.  She was so fantastic both as a trainer and as a friend that I still can’t find a replacement for either of those holes she left in my life.

So from this experience comes the realization that friendship really does include that cliche “If you love someone, then let them go.” I am trying hard to support her in her quest to be a star trainer.  In fact, she came home with blue ribbons galore at last weekend’s show.

I should have been there to cheer her on.

Letting Go of Someone You Love

Recently I had to let someone go.  It was someone I loved very much, and our lives had gone on two different paths in such a way that I was no longer understanding her position, and she no longer understood mine.  Conversations became drainfests in which I was giving energy, and she was taking it.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and every day I miss her more.  Yet I have a deep seated belief that people meet at certain times in their lives, interact and learn from one another, and then they move on.  To stay longer than is appropriate stunts each others’ growth, and can do more harm than good.  Better to let go.

What your Children Learn from your Kind Acts

Your Children are Watching You

There’s something about learning by doing. After the January 12 earthquake in Haiti I learned more about my son than I had known about him in the first 12 years of his life. As he watched the people crying on CNN, being dug out of the rubble, bloody and homeless with no food or water, I saw my son’s eyes well up. He turned to me and he said, “We really need to help them! Look at those children; they have nothing to do.”  The thoughts of a child, concerned about the welfare of other children, because he had been in their place at one time.

And so with that, he conjured up the idea of sending yoyos down to the children so they had something to play with while Haiti was being rebuilt. We set about creating a website, yoyosforhaiti.com, and he wrote letters to all of the major yoyo manufacturers, who applauded him for his kindness and thoughtfulness towards the Haitian children. All but one contributed, as well as many individuals, and some went way out of their way to ensure that he met his goal of 500. It took a little while and some diligence on his part, but he followed through and he reached his goal. We took pictures along the way; we sent the press releases to CNN and the local news came to interview him. They asked him where his idea had originated, and his answer surprised even me. He said, “I know what it feels like to lose it all. I was homeless and I lost everything–even my cat–in Hurricane Katrina, and so I can understand how these children feel and I want them to feel better.”  My eyes welled up, as did those of the cameraman and the anchorwoman. For I thought that he had been too young during the Hurricane to equate it with a more adult-oriented sense of loss.

Here was true human compassion albeit in a small package; but it shows that kindness is still prevalent in our world and it gives me hope.  This is how we should want our children to grow up.  I was proud see my son display such love and empathy towards children he will never meet. I wanted to avoid taking any credit for myself. Yet when I look back at the little things that I’ve enjoyed giving to other people: those I don’t know; animals; children; the homeless–I  realized that he had been watching from the sidelines all along.  I was setting an example without even trying. And my mother had done the same thing before my own childish eyes, always giving as much she could despite having very little. She always had a smile for everyone she met, as do I to this day.

And so we pass the tendency for compassion down from generation to generation. We should be planning these lessons if they don’t come naturally to us, and we must ensure that those little acts of kindness are seen by our children and those around us. And when you see your child perform an act of kindness, make sure that praise and show appreciation. Because with the ripple effect, anybody who sees such acts is positively affected by them–whether they be a smile, a cold drink or a yoyo–and each observer will positively affect another in some small way.

Forgiveness Manifested

Forgiveness the long way around

The other day, I got yelled at–rather berated–by a woman on the phone.  In my position, hanging up on the bitch isn’t an option.  She called me stupid, asked if I was new, and if I was dropped on my head as a baby.  I felt myself bubbling up inside like magma under the surface, and I was ready to blow.  Oh, the things I wanted to say to her.  But I kept my mouth shut, solved her problem without so much as a thank you, and I maintained my cool.

Until later.

All that night and the following day, I envisioned the retorts I could have dealt out to that evil woman.   I lost sleep.  I cried and lamented about the lack of compassion she felt for a person whom she had called for help.  I saw her face contorted with hurt with my cruel and vindictive statements, the way she had contorted mine.  And I knew that these thoughts had to stop, for I would only be passing on those horrible emotions to someone else.

Forgiveness even though I didn’t want to

So in the darkness of my bedroom, while trying to sleep, I forgave her for her actions. I was sure she had a bad day, and was lashing out. And I remembered times in my past where I’d done the same thing to someone else. And I let her, and the anger that had been lingering inside me, go. And I fell asleep

The Aftermath of Forgiveness

Well, a few days later, she called again. She spoke to me in kind, sweet tones, with another problem to be solved, but this time with humility. I never mentioned how my feelings were hurt by our last encounter, and I kept my tone professional and warm. And we finished the conversation with “Thank You” and “Have a wonderful day.”

There was no need to gloat about how manifestation works for me, because I know that those who focus on the positive receive it. It just took me a little mental reorganization to get there.

Do you accuse?

As humans, we need others to exist.  Short from being the guy who lives alone in the cabin on the mountain, we need interactions with others to live a fulfilled life.  And unlike the guy in the cabin, who probably takes nothing for granted because he must exist by his own hard work, we in civilization often take others for granted.

Think of the last time you had a disagreement with another.  Did you listen to the other person’s side of the argument or were you just waiting to more firmly state your own case?  Chances are, you did not.  For it is our ego’s responsibility to ensure that we withhold its standing, whether that entail being “right,” being “the more powerful”, or being “in control” of the situation.  You may have accused your partner of acting in a certain way, or of using unfair tactics.

When you accuse, you are taking love out of the picture, and letting your ego take precedence over the situation.  So unless you would like to chop wood and live like the guy on the mountain, remember that relationships are the most important aspect of life, and really the only reason we are here in the first place.

When you accuse, you remove love.

Does your “present moment” always include a computer screen?

For those of us who spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer, a word of advice:

Not everyone does.

Just a reminder that people need real love, and that includes taking the time to turn off your computer (yes, Twitter will still be there when you sign back on) and spend the time to actually interact with your loved ones face to face.

I used to think that I was actually spending time with my loved ones; after all, they were in the same room as me and they were just watching TV, so what did it matter if I was playing Mafia Wars while I was with them?  What seemed like simple multi-tasking to me was actually inflicting much more harm than I imagined on my relationships.  I forgot there for a moment that giving full attention to someone means just that–ALL of me, not just the part of me that wasn’t playing Mafia Wars.
Big lesson learned, and thankfully it was before too much damage had been done.  Turn off the computer and interact once in a while.  You will be amazed at how your relationship will flourish.