Putting on Your Oxygen Mask First

Most of you have been on the airplane when the flight attendants go through their spiel about what to do when the oxygen masks fall out of the ceiling panel.   They remind adults to put their oxygen mask on first, and then assist others.

This advice seems to be contrary to all of the major religions’ teachings, no?  I mean, aren’t we supposed to put others’ needs before our own?  Yet we can’t take care of others unless we take care of ourselves first.   If you neglect to put on your mask, and others don’t know how to put theirs on, or need help putting theirs on, then you both die.  If your needs are met, then you are able to assist others with the learning process of using their own masks.

Seems simple enough, but how many of us really do this?  How many of us actually carve out the time to exercise, to pack a healthy lunch for ourselves, or to take a few minutes in the car alone to just reflect before we enter the house for the onslaught of family obligations?  We believe that our family must be tended to first;  yet can you truly attend to your family’s needs when you are in dire need yourself?

Steven R. Covey calls this Sharpening the Saw in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.   And  Hal Edward Runkel in Scream Free Parenting reminds us that we can’t be effective parents unless our oxygen mask is on first.

So next time your family makes demands that can wait an hour, take that time to walk uphill on the treadmill, or listen to an audio book on the back porch, or head to the nail salon and get a manicure.  You’ll be taking care of yourself, and you’ll have your oxygen mask on when you return.  Your family will be thankful that you’re calmer, more collected, and more focused on them.

Surprise at 45 – Middle Aged Motherhood

It’s really strange how some people can live their lives according to the book, and others just wing it.  I have never been one to consistently write down my goals in some journal that I carry around.  Rather, they’re scratched out on the backs of already used index cards, or the back of this year’s address book, which I’m likely to lose before the year’s end.  But my goals, they get accomplished, somehow.  My goals don’t seem to be like those of others’, though.  They are more esoteric, more abstract, than saving for a BMW or paying off my house.

My goals are to live my life outside of the standard order of things.  As I said in my post, Guilt Free Non-Conformity, I really haven’t followed society’s timeline of events for a normal life.  My life really started later than most, at the birth of my first son when I was 32.  That’s when my beauty started to bloom, and I realized that I was a unique human being that didn’t think like others did.  That’s when I started recognizing the people that chose to be sheep rather than leaders, and that’s when I chose to be a leader by example.

So now, at 46, I find myself living totally outside of the box yet again.  My second child is due, completely unexpected and most certainly welcome nonetheless, in May 2012.  My plans for retirement are coming along fine, but it’s not the type of retirement that most people are planning, when they are too old to enjoy themselves.  Of course, on a humorous note, much of my retirement will be spent at Little League games, cheering on my son/daughter as he or she runs the bases.  Graduation for this little angel will be in 2030 (OMG!!!) and hopefully there will be great strides in the field of plastic surgery by that time so that I don’t look so much like Grandma while I sit in the audience of proud parents.  And of course, with a younger husband, I will still be called a cougar until the day I die, even when he’s 80 and I’m 89.  (If you would like to read about my pregnancy, you can visit my sister blog at Surprise at 45)

There are days that I feel the guilt of being non-conformist–mixed in with morning sickness it’s not an easy cocktail.  I know that there are friends who judge me for it, and have backed off because they just can’t relate.  To them, I say that I can think of no other way for me to live.  As I believe in multiple lives, I can say that this one, because of my choices to take the path less taken in many instances, is the best life yet.

Guilt Free Non-Conformity–Doing Not as your Parents Did

It’s easy to follow the norm.  By norm, I am referring to following the preset description of how one’s life should be lived; or in other words, the way your parents did it.  Grow up, go to college, get a job, find someone to marry, have a few kids, and work for a while until you are old enough–or rich enough–to retire.  But what if you don’t feel at home in that skin?  What if your goals don’t include marriage, kids or retirement?  What if you decided to switch the order around, or you didn’t spend the suggested amount of time on any one segment of your life, jumping past one right into the other?  What would your parents, or friends, or authority, say about you because they may think you’re making a cosmic boo-boo by  not following the pre-defined pattern of our Western culture?

 

Well, that’s my life, and as of recently, it seems like whatever pattern I was supposed to follow just fell down the rabbit hole along with myself and those I love. I, for one, incurred the doubt of many of my older friends who cautioned me to slow down, to take it easy, to see where things go and be on my guard.  But, for once, my head, my heart and my gut all agree, telling my common sense to take a back seat and just watch for a while. I find myself being myself, with no odd moments of trying to be someone different, or trying to mold myself to be something someone else wants me to be.  I could just be me, and be accepted for who I am–good and not so good–in my own, self-defined skin.  And to those who cautioned me that I was going too fast, I take your heed, and I blatantly ignore your warnings.  Everything seems to be working for us without the need to follow the same timeline that you, and your parents, did.

To Filter or Not to Filter Your Discussions

So here I am in a conundrum.

A lot of things have happened in the last few months.  My home life has changed dramatically, and I have learned more about myself and listening to my gut feeling this year than in the previous 44 before.  Since there are a lot of lessons to be learned from my experiences, I would love to write about the feelings I encountered during the process.  But the Internet, she hides my words from no one.  And I was concerned that people who are already hurt will read my words and hurt even more.

But family and friends, they chided me, with wrinkled brows and stern faces.  “You can’t filter your feelings.  Say what you have to say,” they said.  Not one of my friends thought that the world would benefit from a censored perspective of my experiences, simply for the sake of sparing the feelings of one.

So from here on in, it’s coming as it really happened.  And to those whose feelings may be bruised, I’m sorry in advance.

Filling Your Holes

Everyone has holes.  Holes are my description of areas in your life in which you could use a little filling in.  Whether it be that you’re quick to judge, or that you snap at people when you’re hungry, or that you think people who live in trailers are white trash, everyone has particular holes that  need some attention and possibly repair.   It’s not that you have to completely heal them, as perhaps there is something from your upbringing that created these holes in the first place, and awareness of their existence is enough.  Noticing that they are there, and addressing their presence is healing in itself.

Even if you don’t see your own holes, they are apparent to other people.  They show themselves when you interact with them and one of the subjects of your holes is broached.  You react.  It shows.  It either helps you grow, or it holds you back.  You can ask friends to help you with your holes, by gently reminding you when you have revealed an area that may need some further learning.  Do you need to live with the same judgment that you yourself have dealt?  Can you sympathize with someone whose housing situation is currently not as bountiful as yours?  Can you project yourself into another’s eyes and see from their perspective?

If so, then your holes will fill in naturally, with experience and understanding that you were just missing some of the information.  And you will be all that closer to whole.

Imperfections in Seemingly Perfect People

I have an arch enemy.

Not in the sense that I would like to see harm come to her, but in the sense that she is and does most of what I’d like to be and do myself.  Now since I believe in living a guilt free life, this doesn’t bode too well for the higher self.  The ego loves it, mind you, because it keeps me in my place and curbs my desire to stretch outside my comfort zone.

This person is a the most successful person I know.  She is young, beautiful, rich, a great family person, active in her church, and never seems to run out of time.  Her spouse–also beautiful of course– is a loving, complete person of his own.  They have gorgeous children that are courteous and gentle.  They drive nice cars.  They donate.  They build houses in Mexico. They work out regularly.  They have no bad habits.  They have college degrees and tons of friends and they have great parties.

They are what pretty much everyone wants to be.  It’s disgusting.

I know you are thinking that I am being resentful, envious, and jealous.  And yes, those emotions do cross my mind.  But I recognize them and send them on their way because they only cause guilt and fuel the fire of my ego.  What I focus on is a perfect example of an overachiever, who is at the far end of the bell curve (skewing it for the rest of us) but also giving us the opportunity to strive to be better in our own ways.

And then I look further inward, at some of the things that makes me different from her.  I look for my own positive qualities, ones that she may be lacking.  And I look without judgment, because surely there are things that I have learned about life that she hasn’t, and vice versa.

I recall that when she is frustrated, she comes to me to vent.  She feels like she can relate to me, even if I don’t always feel the same about her.  She confides in me, knowing that the feelings and opinions she expresses to me will go no farther.  She trusts me.  I have value to her, and she can demonstrate her own perceived weaknesses without fear of my judgment.

And despite being my arch enemy, she is my gentle reminder that not everyone can hold the same candle, nor should they.

Why God and Apocalypse Don’t Mix

Would you Burn your own Child?

People say that the Mayan calendar says the world will end in 2012. The Popol Vuh, an ancient book of Mayan history, describes the first three creations that the gods failed in making and the creation of the successful fourth world where men were placed.  We are living in the fourth world, in the 13th era of existence.

“Maya inscriptions occasionally reference future predicted events or commemorations that would occur on dates that lie beyond 2012 (that is, beyond the completion of the 13th b’ak’tun of the current era). In fact, there are predictions of events that occur in the 80th era, which equates to 21 October in the year 4772.

“Despite the publicity generated by the 2012 date, Susan Milbrath, curator of Latin American Art and Archaeology at the Florida Museum of Natural History, stated that ‘We have no record or knowledge that [the Maya] would think the world would come to an end’ in 2012. ‘For the ancient Maya, it was a huge celebration to make it to the end of a whole cycle,’ says Sandra Noble, executive director of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies in Crystal River, Florida. To render December 21, 2012, as a doomsday event or moment of cosmic shifting, she says, is ‘a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in.’”

via Mesoamerican Long Count calendar – Wikipedia.

So why the fear? I’m not sure it is as base as wanting to cash in, but I certainly do believe that most apocalyptic beliefs in the United States are misdirected interpretations of one religious scripture or another.  After all, we are sinners (if you don’t know me, then please note that this is sarcasm), and we all deserve to be punished.  Shame on us for believing that we share the same attributes as God.  For such impure thoughts, they say, God will rain down fire and fury on our world, and burn us up like forgotten toast.  On December 20, 2012, to be exact, as if he’s penciled it in his cosmic appointment book.

Oh please.  People!  We are God’s children, and he would no more incinerate us (or flood us, or freeze us) than you would to your own children.  Children share blood with their parents, and parents are, generally-speaking, good protectors of their children.  Parents want to see their children learn, explore and make mistakes in order to become decent human beings, who have children of their own.

If you are worried about the end of the world, then you must be focusing your attention outward at all the horrific things that other people are doing.  Are you judging?  Are you fearful for those people that are tearing your world down because you feel that their actions will rain fire on your parade?  Well then go out and touch one of them.  Go to a prison and visit.  Work at a food bank.  Help abused animals.  Do something about what’s going wrong in our world.

This is what God wants.

Looking When We Should Be Looking Away

Why Do We Crave to Know More About Others’ Misfortunes?

The other day I was enduring the endless wait in solitary confinement at an Urgent Care Facility. Despite the nurse saying that the Doctor would be “right in,” I had been eyeing that shiny red Biohazard bucket since she’d shut the door on her way out. The bucket with its triangular arrow-shaped sign was the brightest thing in the room.  It could be empty, or it could be full. Maybe it contained body parts that had been chopped off by shrub trimmers, or foreskin, or crusted over scabs from a dog bite…or maybe it just contained soiled Q-Tips and bloody bandages from a fall on the cement. Either way, it was the fact that someone’s misfortune had contributed to its contents that consumed me.

This is the reason that drivel like reality shows, and soap operas and Jerry Springer can consistently bring in the bucks and the audience. Because people want to see others suffering more than they are. If Ashley slept with her mother’s boyfriend, and a mother-daughter catfight ensues, then for those few moments between commercials we can forget that we have problems of our own. And reveling in someone else’s problems, with its disconnection from our own reality, provides us with an escape if just for a few minutes.

I held back from peeking into the Biohazard bin, because someday, something of mine could be in there. And I would want dignity and respect to prevail over the torrid curiosity of others who would revel in my misfortune.

God’s Faithful Servants Judging Others

I Truly Doubt that God Hates Fags

I felt sick inside when I read about the upcoming Supreme Court case of a radical church’s right of free speech to protest a fallen soldier’s funeral. According to this article, the Westboro Baptist Church picketed Lance Cpl. Matthew Snyder’s 2006 funeral in Westminster, Md., because it believes troops’ deaths are God’s revenge for the United States’ tolerance of gays.

Let’s get real here. This is not about free speech. This is a case of judgment.

First, we know that Baptists refuse to interpret the Bible any other way than literally.  That means that whichever old man wrote whichever book they are reading, and whichever translator translated it into English, was doing so with the exact syntax intended by our Lord above.  Nothing lost in translation here, could there be, folks?  I may be pissing off 35 million people out there for what I am saying, but I really don’t care, because I am a sinner in your eyes anyway.

Christianity is about giving, loving, and lack of judgment.  That part of the Bible, if you read it literally, is pretty darn clear.

So how could these monsters, who call themselves faithful to God, speak out about their fellow man in such a judgmental manner when they can visibly see people suffering at the loss of a loved one?  Can they really be so offended and threatened by something that doesn’t match their (myopic) beliefs that they must lash out in anger?  That they must put  “GodHatesFags.com” on a T-shirt and make an 11-year old girl parade around in it?

For these children will be making laws someday, will be lynching people on trees in the forest, will be scorning society’s advances because of an ancient book that was written by dozens of people, and translated dozens of times throughout the years.  That, to me, is scary.  That, to me, is tearing down what the modern world is attempting to do in its shift toward spiritualism. Read the book, folks, and understand that it was meant for guidance, and it does not give us judgment rights against our brothers.

It’s fear that creates the feeling of offense.  It’s the inability to put oneself in another’s shoes, and judgment of a person’s outer shell rather than of his soul.  It’s the lack of certainty about who we really are that makes us offended, because if someone else believes differently from us, then we must protect our beliefs lest the ego begin to falter.  It’s sad, but we all do it sometime or another and it affects our life and all others we meet.

It takes great effort to see a soul in today’s times.  When so much focus is put on the outside, we make our shallow judgments based on external criteria rather than the more spiritual kind.  And because we must protect, at all costs, our tiny selves.

The Universe is full of so many choices–neither good nor bad–but merely those with different consequences.  Those that choose to judge others for the sake of preserving their antiquated notions about “what God wants” from us will experience a very different life than those of us that choose to see the soul and know that we are ALL God’s people.

I know which life I choose.  And I can pretty much bet that God doesn’t hate fags.  (There I go, sinning again).