Do you accuse?

As humans, we need others to exist.  Short from being the guy who lives alone in the cabin on the mountain, we need interactions with others to live a fulfilled life.  And unlike the guy in the cabin, who probably takes nothing for granted because he must exist by his own hard work, we in civilization often take others for granted.

Think of the last time you had a disagreement with another.  Did you listen to the other person’s side of the argument or were you just waiting to more firmly state your own case?  Chances are, you did not.  For it is our ego’s responsibility to ensure that we withhold its standing, whether that entail being “right,” being “the more powerful”, or being “in control” of the situation.  You may have accused your partner of acting in a certain way, or of using unfair tactics.

When you accuse, you are taking love out of the picture, and letting your ego take precedence over the situation.  So unless you would like to chop wood and live like the guy on the mountain, remember that relationships are the most important aspect of life, and really the only reason we are here in the first place.

When you accuse, you remove love.

Using Guilt as a Last Resort

My son recently asked me to play basketball with him.  I haven’t played basketball since 3rd grade phys-ed, and even then I was the laughing stock when we got back to the locker room.  So when he asked me to play, my memories rushed to the forefront and took over my tongue.  I found every excuse I could to delay the game:  I was tired, I just ate, it was time to cook dinner.  But he kept asking, and I continued with my excuses.  Finally, my son welled up with tears and said “You never spend time with me.  I keep asking you and you want to do all your stuff and not play with me.”  He stormed off to his room and locked the door.

Before I went in to smooth things over, I spoke to my partner, who spilled the beans.

“He told me that he was using the thing that works best on you:  guilt.”

My own son was using all of the lessons I taught him about living a guilt-free life against me.  Here I have spent years teaching others about how to live a life without guilt, and he had jumped the fence and honed my techniques for his own benefit.  Now I’m not releasing myself from blame here, because if I had taken the time to actually confront my own issues and enjoy the time with my son then he never would have had to use guilt against me.

Does anyone use these techniques on you?  It’s up to you to recognize the signs that someone is trying to reach you, and this may have been their last ditch attempt to get through to you.

See more guilt-related posts on TheGuiltFreeLife.com

Alibis: To lie or not for a friend

My partner has a friend Roderick* that–and he blames it on his culture–has more than one love interest.  More than two love interests.  In fact, he has a half-dozen love interests, of all types and scattered throughout the United States.  He has so many that we have to define them by their geographical location just to keep them straight.

Now far be it from me to judge anyone’s lifestyle, since I believe we are here to create whichever experience we choose.  Yet there have been times when my (only!) partner has been the excuse for why Roderick is not where he was supposed to be at a certain time, or why he disappears for a weekend here and there.

Our debate began when I gave him the old adage “What if that happened to you?”  What if it were my friends lying to him about my whereabouts when I was with another lover?  His answer?

“Well it would be different if I knew these women.”

So basically, because he doesn’t have awareness of their feelings on the matter, he feels a certain disconnection from their lives, and thus justifies his willingness to support his friend in his time of need.  Of course, this sent me up in arms at my partner’s lack of sensitivity, and then I sat back and thought about it.  If Roderick chooses to divide his love life among six women, and the women trust him implicitly (adding a chuckle here at that), then aren’t they all choosing their situation anyway?

Now I’m not a proponent of lying, but rather that if you were put in this situation, that you would consider the choices made by all parties, including your own.  You could value your friend’s relationship more than those he is deceiving, or you could value your own character more and choose not to cover the actions of another–and ask him to find an alternate alibi.  It’s your choice.

*Of course I had to change his name…