The Desire to Speed Things Up

As most of you may know, I lost a child recently.  We were a few months before her birth, and the whole experience was the most horrific, physically- and emotionally-painful experience of my life.  I have experienced the loss of stuff (virtually everything I owned was lost in Hurricane Katrina), and and aged mother, and even endured divorce several years ago–all in the same year.  But nothing could prepare me for the devastation of losing a child.

Although I am still not speaking to God, I as a guilt-free person seek to find the lesson in every situation that involves me in some way.  This situation, although highly emotionally-charged, is no different.  Generally it doesn’t take me long to figure it out, and I generally get my lessons on the first try, thus avoiding repeat lessons and additional pain.  This time, however, it’s not coming quite so quickly.

I took two weeks off of work to sort things out;  there were lots of medical appointments, and tons of crying and a lot of screaming at the Universe.  There were angry scowls at young mothers bouncing babies on their knees.  There was envy in many of my thoughts. There was love thrown at me from the most unlikely sources, and I am thankful for that.  And after a while, there was some hope.

The hope was in the form of other options, for being 46, it’s assumed that my eggs are just too darn old to make a viable embryo.  My husband isn’t a spring chicken either, at 38, so the odds aren’t great that we will conceive again on our own.  That’s when TWO different doctors recommended the same fertility specialist, who didn’t seem fazed in the least by our age, or by our history.  He in fact warned that we are perfect candidates for twins, and were we ready for that?

YES!  I’m ready!

But, alas, my body is not.  After basically giving birth to a stillborn child, my body is in repair phase.  It will take up to two months for the next step to take place, as multiple tests can’t be done after my body returns to its normal, non-pregnant state.   This is a lesson in patience;  there is absolutely no way around it…all my wit, charm and planning will do no good in this case.  I am forced to wait, despite my inner desire and history of getting things done.

So I will take this time to reflect, and to make art and write about the lesson that the Universe has created for me, that so far eludes me.    And I will practice patience, and self-kindness, and strengthening my bond with my inner self.

I hope the time goes by quickly, all the same.