Well Joe got cancer, and headed in a downward spiral that was faster than many.  He sold his belongings, moved back to the mainland so that his family could take care of him; yet he continued to be positive in his outlook.

I got busy with other things, and Joe wasn’t conducting business with me anymore, so he was not in the forefront of my mind.

One day in autumn last year, Joe called my work number, and I was busy with another customer.  He left a message to call him back, and I put it off until the next day, since I had so many pressing things to complete at work.

When I called back late the next day, the phone was answered by his brother, who said that Joe had voluntarily decided to request administration of large amounts of sedative which would keep him in a coma until he passed away.  He had called me the day before to say goodbye, and I had been too busy to take his call.

He passed a week later.

Today, I learned that my brother, who is suffering from terminal brain cancer, doesn’t have much time.  His wife sent out the message that if we were intending on visiting, then we should do so sooner rather than later, as we were not sure how long he would retain cognitive function.  Although I never got to say goodbye to Joe, my final experience with him was a lesson I learned the hard way.  Time is of the essence, and no matter what it costs, or which activities I need to rearrange to get it done, I will be there to say goodbye to my brother while he is still cognizant of our relationship.  These lessons are hard, but I believe that they weave the web of spiritual growth due to the challenges they provide.

Love to all.

This advice seems to be contrary to all of the major religions’ teachings, no?  I mean, aren’t we supposed to put others’ needs before our own?  Yet we can’t take care of others unless we take care of ourselves first.   If you neglect to put on your mask, and others don’t know how to put theirs on, or need help putting theirs on, then you both die.  If your needs are met, then you are able to assist others with the learning process of using their own masks.

Seems simple enough, but how many of us really do this?  How many of us actually carve out the time to exercise, to pack a healthy lunch for ourselves, or to take a few minutes in the car alone to just reflect before we enter the house for the onslaught of family obligations?  We believe that our family must be tended to first;  yet can you truly attend to your family’s needs when you are in dire need yourself?

Steven R. Covey calls this Sharpening the Saw in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.   And  Hal Edward Runkel in Scream Free Parenting reminds us that we can’t be effective parents unless our oxygen mask is on first.

So next time your family makes demands that can wait an hour, take that time to walk uphill on the treadmill, or listen to an audio book on the back porch, or head to the nail salon and get a manicure.  You’ll be taking care of yourself, and you’ll have your oxygen mask on when you return.  Your family will be thankful that you’re calmer, more collected, and more focused on them.

Sometimes, I need to follow up with the offender about my feelings.  Sometimes I realize that the problem is my own, I process my emotions, realize that I have been irrational, and I apologize.  Sometimes I hide away in denial until I can speak my mind.

Just a note, folks, that this is not a responsible way to solve your issues.

This is a form of denial, and it won’t get you far if you want to address issues like a grown up.

A better option:

It’s not a bad thing to want to think about what you want to say before you say it.  It worked for Mister Rogers, and it can work for you. If you have an issue with your significant other, a friend or a family member, and words have been exchanged, then it’s OK for you to tell the other party that you need some time to process what has gone on.

Rather than hiding in a corner and withholding your love, just TELL them that you need some time.  Here are some options:

“I know we have just had a conversation that included a lot of heated emotions.  I need to process this information, so please give me some time alone to do so.  My distancing myself from you is just me thinking about things, so please allow me some time alone to do that.”

“We talked about a lot tonight.  It might take me some time to process this information, so if I’m distant for a day or two, understand that I still love you and that I just need some time.”

This way, you have indicated to your loved ones that you love them, that you need some time to process your feelings, and that it’s important to you to process the information rather than just react.

Remember:  Once Said, Never Unsaid.

Although I am still not speaking to God, I as a guilt-free person seek to find the lesson in every situation that involves me in some way.  This situation, although highly emotionally-charged, is no different.  Generally it doesn’t take me long to figure it out, and I generally get my lessons on the first try, thus avoiding repeat lessons and additional pain.  This time, however, it’s not coming quite so quickly.

I took two weeks off of work to sort things out;  there were lots of medical appointments, and tons of crying and a lot of screaming at the Universe.  There were angry scowls at young mothers bouncing babies on their knees.  There was envy in many of my thoughts. There was love thrown at me from the most unlikely sources, and I am thankful for that.  And after a while, there was some hope.

The hope was in the form of other options, for being 46, it’s assumed that my eggs are just too darn old to make a viable embryo.  My husband isn’t a spring chicken either, at 38, so the odds aren’t great that we will conceive again on our own.  That’s when TWO different doctors recommended the same fertility specialist, who didn’t seem fazed in the least by our age, or by our history.  He in fact warned that we are perfect candidates for twins, and were we ready for that?

YES!  I’m ready!

But, alas, my body is not.  After basically giving birth to a stillborn child, my body is in repair phase.  It will take up to two months for the next step to take place, as multiple tests can’t be done after my body returns to its normal, non-pregnant state.   This is a lesson in patience;  there is absolutely no way around it…all my wit, charm and planning will do no good in this case.  I am forced to wait, despite my inner desire and history of getting things done.

So I will take this time to reflect, and to make art and write about the lesson that the Universe has created for me, that so far eludes me.    And I will practice patience, and self-kindness, and strengthening my bond with my inner self.

I hope the time goes by quickly, all the same.

Not that I have placed all of my faith in what one woman said over a deck of cards long ago, but my faith also includes the belief that we have already planned the major details of our lives, long before we entered a human body.  This includes pacts and agreements with others, who also take human form, to help us learn the lessons that we’ve chosen to learn in this particular life.  It’s kind of like picking out your courses for the next semester of college;  you know the general subject that you’re taking, but you’re not given the exact lessons until you are enrolled in the class.

Well apparently, one of my lessons is to learn to live in the later years of my life.  This is one of my most pertinent ones, for most people are able to look back at their twenties, smile, and remember the freedom they had when they thought that they would never die.  Yet learning to live at an older age is quite the different type of lesson, for mortality is lurking in the shadows, and every day our bodies age and challenge us to be our best in the present moment.

My plan to truly live my life at an older age includes the birth of a child; and with it the responsibility of caring for an innocent being that can benefit from my extra years on this earth.  I understand now that this is part of my life plan, so whatever the Universe throws at me at the Doctor’s office, I know deep down inside that I was the one who created it exactly as it is, in order to get yet another course under my belt.  I am not doubting my plan in the least.

To me, an animal lover, I had some idea that animals were a very important part of human growth.  After all, how a human treats an animal shows us much about his character.  But I didn’t think of them as having equal intelligence as humans, simply because I thought that they lacked self awareness.  I believed that they thought, and felt, and had good days and bad days, but I didn’t believe that they reflected on these occurrences.  I didn’t think that past experiences could determine future behavior in an animal. But now I know otherwise.

I am reading a fascinating book called “Learning Their Language: Intuitive Communication with Animals and Nature,” by Marta Williams.  In the book, the author gives examples of her one on one communications with animals, which includes locating lost animals, assisting veterinarians in finding out what’s wrong, and solving past problems with previous human relationships gone bad.  The book showed me that anyone can talk to animals, and animals can talk back through mental images, in conversations much like humans can.

It does take some practice, and the author wants us to practice with animals we don’t own, since we are not so familiar with them.  I started with my horse, however, who I don’t see nearly enough, and I can say that we’re coming along just fine.  I can sense some reservation in his willingness to share with me, as perhaps he thinks that nothing will change anyway if he “speaks” his mind.  On my part, I am taking it slowly, not asking much, but merely sending love to him and the reminder that he will be with me for life.  He seems to be accepting of that, and I can notice a visible calming of his nerves and a general sense of well being after we “talk.”

As for the dogs, well anyone that knows my unruly dogs will know that there is a lot more work to be done with those to open the channel of communications…

All in all, I have learned a great lesson here in that both animals and humans, although in different external form, feel the same emotions, fear the same fears, and experience highs and lows inside.  The bonds that humans and animals share, and the respect humankind could show animals, would be so much stronger if we considered us all equal.

Well, that’s my life, and as of recently, it seems like whatever pattern I was supposed to follow just fell down the rabbit hole along with myself and those I love. I, for one, incurred the doubt of many of my older friends who cautioned me to slow down, to take it easy, to see where things go and be on my guard.  But, for once, my head, my heart and my gut all agree, telling my common sense to take a back seat and just watch for a while. I find myself being myself, with no odd moments of trying to be someone different, or trying to mold myself to be something someone else wants me to be.  I could just be me, and be accepted for who I am–good and not so good–in my own, self-defined skin.  And to those who cautioned me that I was going too fast, I take your heed, and I blatantly ignore your warnings.  Everything seems to be working for us without the need to follow the same timeline that you, and your parents, did.

Of course I didn’t get to keep reading, because she flipped the page on me, but it started me thinking about history in general.  I’m not talking about the years that Napoleon lived, or whether Shakespeare really wrote his sonnets or if Sir Francis Bacon really did.  No doubt that was what the teachers in the article were fighting for, with a firm resolve that learning about Napoleon’s successes and failures really helps shape our childrens’ malleable minds into well-rounded citizens.

The kind of history I’m referring to is our personal history.  As any parent of a teenager knows, the minute we go into the “When I was a kid” mode, the eyes begin rolling and they don’t stop until you shut up.

Here’s an example:  when I was in school, I was one of those weirdos that came home from school and did my homework immediately.  That way, it was done and I could relax for the rest of the night doing what I really wanted to do, which was art.  My son, on the other hand, waits until 10pm to start his homework, and no amount of force, removal of privileges, or even hobbling (ok, I really didn’t consider it for long) will get him to do his homework the second he enters the house.  He finishes it, albeit with drool all over his name for falling asleep on it the night before.

So I could sit him down, and tell him how it was when I was a kid…or I could let him fail a few times and come to his own conclusion that perhaps starting his homework earlier might benefit him in many ways.

So I ask you, do you think our lectures get through, even if LONG after the fact?  I mean, we all have “momisms” that we repeat (usually at family gatherings for maximum comic camaraderie. Does hearing about one’s past help shape the actions of another, or does doing really seal the learning deal?

This happened recently when one of my dearest friends moved far away.

Our relationship started as a professional one, where I hired her to train my horse, and me, on how to get along nicely with others.  In the meantime, we grew together as friends, sharing a love for horses, life and the common struggles that women endure in these times.  But her life here was a troubled one;  she could never fulfill her true dream in this place and time.  She made the decision to accept an offer 1500 miles away;  one that would bring her closer in alignment to her goal of training and showing high echelon Saddlebreds in the show circuit.

Now me, as a good friend, I should have supported her.  But did I?  No.  I didn’t.  I projected my sadness and disappointment and–OK I’m saying it–envy–that she was one step closer to her dream, and she was leaving me in the dust both professionally and by abandoning (from my perspective) our friendship.  I was so self-absorbed that I couldn’t be happy for my best friend.  She was so fantastic both as a trainer and as a friend that I still can’t find a replacement for either of those holes she left in my life.

So from this experience comes the realization that friendship really does include that cliche “If you love someone, then let them go.” I am trying hard to support her in her quest to be a star trainer.  In fact, she came home with blue ribbons galore at last weekend’s show.

I should have been there to cheer her on.

Even if you don’t see your own holes, they are apparent to other people.  They show themselves when you interact with them and one of the subjects of your holes is broached.  You react.  It shows.  It either helps you grow, or it holds you back.  You can ask friends to help you with your holes, by gently reminding you when you have revealed an area that may need some further learning.  Do you need to live with the same judgment that you yourself have dealt?  Can you sympathize with someone whose housing situation is currently not as bountiful as yours?  Can you project yourself into another’s eyes and see from their perspective?

If so, then your holes will fill in naturally, with experience and understanding that you were just missing some of the information.  And you will be all that closer to whole.