Living a Guilt Free Chaotic Life

Chaos as a Way of Life

Do you ever come home from work and experience this in your first ten minutes through the door:  you are attacked by the dogs, face a whining family who can’t find anything to eat despite a kitchen full of food, skid across socks on the floor, deal with piled-up mail, answer the ringing phone and encounter still-unmade beds?

I deal with this every day.  After overtime on the job, I drive home in the solitude of my car (sometimes I don’t want to get out!) only to arrive home to what should be my sanctuary, but is rather a screaming zoo of chaos.  I can barely take a breath before something else is requiring my attention, and there I stumble, one shoe still on my foot, to put out another virtual fire between demanding loved ones.

So last week, I decided to take a weekend away from all of this, and go with a friend to Las Vegas.  I had my own room, with a big fluffy bed covered in pillows, room service and curtains that blocked out the light so I could sleep late.  Three whole days to myself with no one making demands of me!

Solitude isn’t what I expected it to be

Silence. Peace. Opportunity to go within. Freedom.
Boredom!

I was lost there, with the endless shopping and sightseeing and visual treats available to me. There were so many opportunities that none of them seemed appealing–because I had no one to share them with.

Missing the Chaos

I longed to return to the noise and the craziness, because that’s where my true interaction was. Not only was I missed at home, but they missed me; for they are an integral part of me, and I had left my most integral part of behind.

Enjoying your Routine

So next time you are faced with the temper tantrums, the spilled spaghetti and towels on the floor, remember that your presence plays a large part in the growth and community of others. Their–and your–needs are important, of course. A little quiet may–or may not!–refresh you.

Learning Not to be Offended by Others’ Habits

The increasing popularity of electronic cigarettes led me to read more about the safety benefits of using them vs traditional tobacco cigarettes.  In a statement last January, Dr. Jonathan Winickoff of Harvard Medical School called the Crown7 “a thousand times safer than cigarettes.”  You can see the article here: ‘Just like the real thing’: Businesses push ‘e-cigarettes’.  My topic here isn’t whether e-cigarettes are or are not safer than tobacco, but rather how people judge those who smoke at all.

Reading the comments left on the site after the article, the page was laden with forked-tongue remarks about how weak and pathetic smokers are.  These people have decided that if you smoke, you have decided to purposely disgrace humanity with your presence in the form of second-hand smoke and tar-stained hands.  You were created to offend others simply by your habit.  Where is the compassion for those who may be struggling with a habit that’s tougher to kick than heroin?

Again, my argument here is not whether second-hand smoke is dangerous (although several recent studies have claimed that the dangers are not as real as once thought), but rather why people must feel offended at the choices of another.  Of course, smokers–along with drinkers, and those who shove down three cheeseburgers at McDonalds, and those who crack their knuckles, and those who drink wine and get behind the wheel of their car, or those that slip out an expletive now and then, or those caught by surprise by public flatulence–should keep their habits to themselves.

How many of us does that leave, then, with no habits that may offend someone?

And why are people looking so hard to be offended?  Is it because they want to elevate their own self-worth by attempting to diminish another’s?  Are we projecting here?

Simply put, if one is content with oneself, then there is no need to be offended by another’s behaviour–ever.

Guilt-Free Secret Keeping

As we age, one of the things we (hopefully) learn is how to keep a secret. When a friend confides in you, they are demonstrating their trust in you. Yet we love to show others how much we know, whether to gain status, recognition or prestige. In my twenties, this was the thing to do–to pass on my knowledge of another’s secret situation to show that I could be trusted. What lunacy!

Now that I have passed 40, I have learned to keep my mouth shut because NOT saying anything gets me much further in life with those I really care about. Case in point:

Once, in one of my early retail jobs, a friend confided in me that he would be leaving the company. Juicy information, no doubt, since management had no idea of his impending resignation. But I wanted his hours, which were more desirable than mine. So I went right to the supervisor to ask if I could change my hours to his “if” he left. Oh, I thought I was smooth, planting that seed. But my supervisor detected my excitement, and put two and two together. Needless to say, it ended badly, because my colleague was led out the next day with no notice due to “security reasons,” and not only did I lose a friend in him, my supervisor considered me a tattletale and my hours stayed the same.

Well maybe it took me twenty years of like situations to get it through my thick skull that the value keeping a secret extends beyond a simple trust issue; and the Universe decided to test my strength on this factor once more. Fast forward to this year, when a friend let me know she was leaving her job to start her own business. Oooh, here’s the rush again, for I knew something that will impact not only my team but the possibly the entire company that employed her. But this time, I sat back and measured the consequences. Who would benefit from my keeping my mouth shut this time? Well, obviously she would, since she could continue making her business plans while still employed there; I would, since I can show that I am trustworthy. Who would suffer? The company might, as it finds itself understaffed for a time until she could be replaced.

I asked myself: who is more important to me?

Well, in the grand scheme of things, friendship trumps a job anytime. Even in this depressed economy, I wouldn’t be sitting on my deathbed worrying about whether my boss thought I was a good employee. I would be concerned that my friends considered me a reliable, loving companion. So another lesson learned, and one step closer to guilt-free secret keeping.




The Recession May Be Over but the Guilt Lives On

Experts say that the recession is over.  What great news that is for those of us who may be a little tired of the black cloud of depression looming over us, but despite this wonderful revelation, the thunder is still rumbling.  This article in Newsweek touts that “The Recession Is Over!  But Not for You!”

Why not for me?  Can’t I be happy too?

And plopped right in the center of the article is a photo montage of the greediest people that are to blame for all of this mess.  The article continues to keep us beaten down and cringing:  “Having survived a near-death economic experience, Americans now need to focus on surviving what’s likely to be a pokey, painful recovery.”

Talk about a dose of guilt for those who actually don’t live every day just to survive!  Now I’m not knocking those that are down on their luck, but I am emphasizing here that we can decide which rain goggles we choose to look through.  Do yours show sun in the near distance, or just more rain?

Profiting from Another’s Misfortune

Last week I crossed another goal off of my list.  Since I was 6 years old, I have always wanted a horse.  So when a good friend found us a smoking deal on an 8-year old Arabian mare, I was ecstatic.  We would share the horse since we each lack some of the requirements to fully care for a horse by ourselves.  We were excited to give her a safe home, for she had been penned up in a small stall for 2 years, with nowhere to stretch her legs or exercise.  When I asked why she’d been neglected for so long, I heard the story:

Her owner was a young pre-teen, who with her older sister had shared the horse, showing her in local Western-discipline horse shows.  When the younger sister fell ill with cancer, the horse became a sorrowful reminder of a happier family life as more pressing issues prevailed.  After two years, the little girl succumbed to the disease, and the family lost interest in keeping her.  Hence the smoking deal, but to me it came with a dose of guilt for being so ecstatic about adding her to my family under such circumstances.

This brings up the question of whether it’s OK to feel joy when you know that you’ve obtained something due to another’s misfortune.   Although I played no part in this family’s life or the passing of their daughter, it still hurts to see our new mare look longingly at the two little girls that live next door to our new pasture.  We can see the sadness in her eyes, and we wonder if we will ever be able to replace this gentle beast’s good memories–of happy, laughing little riders–with equally happy new memories.

I will keep you posted.

Prejudice at the Gym

I work out at a gym that is full of stereotypes.  There’s the “meatheads” that pump up their biceps and then spend their rest time flexing them in front of the mirror.  There’s the college girls with the sports bra and low-rise yoga pants and sculpted stomachs.   Teased-up ponytailed lithe fairy yoga girls and over-aerobicized models lacking child-bearing hips.  Of course there’s normal people, too, with oversized t-shirts and sweaty backs toting their bottled water from machine to machine.

But there’s one regular denizen of my gym who was sure to send me into a tizzy every time I saw her.  She is maybe 5′2″, 90 pounds, with smooth tanned skin and size 56 DDD additions to her chest that she has a difficult time covering, if she had an inkling to attempt covering them at all.  Smacking gum like a junior-high student, she would work with the free weights, the exercise ball, the cable machines, all the time viewing herself in the ample mirrors.  Everyone–especially the meatheads–knows her, and she is jovial to anyone that speaks to her.  She never speaks to me, since I spend most of my time glaring at her and never attempted to strike up a conversation.  Of course my boyfriend knows her well, because they use the same machines in the northeast corner of the gym.

She’s a stripper–no surprise– but to me she was a threat for no good reason.  For she embodied the kind of person that spent all of her time focusing on her external appearance in order to please others.  After all, that’s how she makes her money,  pleasing others with the body she spends so much time perfecting.  She was the embodiment to me of the perfect little love doll that every man wanted purely for pleasure; and that to me was somehow sleazy, undermining healthy relationships with the allure of easy sex.  But as I watched this woman so different from me, I recognized a trigger in myself from some past experience where I had felt like I was not enough–and I redirected my thoughts to remind myself that we are all one.  She was simply different than me, but still a human with wants and needs and issues.  Perhaps she wasn’t the Jezebel I wanted her to be.  For all I knew she was putting herself through law school, or paying her grandmother’s nursing home expenses and dancing was a way to make that happen with the gifts she was given.

So a few days ago, I stopped glaring at her, and started smiling at her.  I haven’t received a smile back yet, but I am sure it will come in time when she realizes that I accept her for who she is, not what she looks like or how she earns her living.

Guilt Free Travel: Are Handouts Necessary?

I remember the first time I saw a leper.

Although it’s on the decline thanks to modern medicine, leprosy is alive and kicking in many third world countries.  I was in Morocco, and the man sitting (armless, by the way) on the dirty street corner smiled at me with barely 3 teeth remaining in his mouth.  I was in a hurry to meet a wool rug merchant who was offering me a private showing of his best handmade rugs, and I didn’t want to be late.  I quickly smiled back to the leper and was on my way.

But it isn’t merely the disease-stricken that drew my attention on that and other trips.  It was the kids running after me on the remote island of Lombok when I rode in on the back of a truck.  There were six other people on the truck with me, but the kids knew to thrust their hands out to me rather than the other visitors.  Perhaps it was my snow-white skin, or the fact that I even gave them the attention at all;  but there it was, that compelling feeling that I had to give to anyone extending a hand out for help.

And so here we begin a thread on how we can enjoy guilt-free travel no matter where we end up.  For no matter which country you visit–which includes our own, if you care to look for it–there will be financial disparity between the citizens.  And unless you are whisked off to the Ritz Carlton immediately upon landing your Gulfstream, then you are likely to have exposur to those less fortunate than you.

I will be leaving for Panama on June 21, 2009, and will be reporting from there about our travels and how we handled the poverty surrounding us.

Using Guilt as a Last Resort

My son recently asked me to play basketball with him.  I haven’t played basketball since 3rd grade phys-ed, and even then I was the laughing stock when we got back to the locker room.  So when he asked me to play, my memories rushed to the forefront and took over my tongue.  I found every excuse I could to delay the game:  I was tired, I just ate, it was time to cook dinner.  But he kept asking, and I continued with my excuses.  Finally, my son welled up with tears and said “You never spend time with me.  I keep asking you and you want to do all your stuff and not play with me.”  He stormed off to his room and locked the door.

Before I went in to smooth things over, I spoke to my partner, who spilled the beans.

“He told me that he was using the thing that works best on you:  guilt.”

My own son was using all of the lessons I taught him about living a guilt-free life against me.  Here I have spent years teaching others about how to live a life without guilt, and he had jumped the fence and honed my techniques for his own benefit.  Now I’m not releasing myself from blame here, because if I had taken the time to actually confront my own issues and enjoy the time with my son then he never would have had to use guilt against me.

Does anyone use these techniques on you?  It’s up to you to recognize the signs that someone is trying to reach you, and this may have been their last ditch attempt to get through to you.

See more guilt-related posts on TheGuiltFreeLife.com

The main reason religions don’t like the Law of Attraction

I am not religious, but I am spiritual. What this means is that I believe in a higher power, but don’t necessarily think that I have to follow certain rituals found in organized religions in order to connect with it. Religions would like us to believe that we are subject to a vindictive, jealous and easily angered God that we must constantly please by staying on the “straight and narrow.” Otherwise, if we stray (SIN!!!) then God won’t love us and will banish us to eternal damnation.

Why must God have the same attributes as humans? That is preposterous. What this makes God is just as irrational, selfish and immature as we are. And that just doesn’t do it for me.

Therefore, when we learn from the recent masters who teach the Law of Attraction, we finally understand that the power has been in OUR hands, not that of a white-bearded God that sits up above and casts his glances upon us all, blessing some and condemning others. Organized religion loses its power on us, and those in charge can no longer control their flock.

But what needs to be noted here is that the Law of Attraction works BECAUSE of God, not WITHOUT him. For we are all one–individual waves of the same ocean, and we are all GOD. Rather than being an old man with a white beard, he is YOU, and he is ME, and he is that annoying high-pitched scream of the baby in front of you in the grocery line. He is the guy who cut you off in traffic this morning, and the hair-flipping girl who would rather flirt with her co-worker than sell you a ticket at the movie theater. God is the leaf you kicked on the way to your car, and the wilted flower you plucked off of the bush in your front yard. He is not UP there. He is HERE.

So the next time your religious leader condemns the Law of Attraction as blasphemy, open your mind just a tad and consider that he may be threatened by something unknown to him (of course if he looks in the Bible hard enough, he will find Jesus’ reference to it in just about everything he says!). Love him for the fact that he is God, challenging you to open your mind and show compassion. We are all at a different level. But we are all in the same cycle of life.

If you haven’t read the Conversations with God books, I suggest you try one and see if it fits your beliefs, or at least gives you another perspective on why we’re here.

For more on past lives, religion and reincarnation, visit my blog RecycleMySoul.com

The Imperfect Path to Enlightenment

If you’re like me, fully self-actualized and near perfect (NOT!), then you have all of the time in the world to spend on the path to enlightenment.

Just like me, you get up at 3:30am, meditate for 30 minutes, practice your tai chi and yoga for another 90 minutes, and eat your vegan breakfast with spirulina before you cook the rest of the day’s meals and then sit down at your perfectly-organized desk for a day’s work in complete concentration.

If you weren’t laughing at the beginning of this post, you probably are now.  But really, I do know someone like that.  Of course she is a Tibetan nun who is supported by a group of kind and loving followers.  Even worse, she doesn’t even do her own dishes, and if she drops something on the floor someone else picks it up for her.

The rest of us just don’t live that way.  But does that mean that we can’t follow some different path to enlightenment?  What if we could set a goal to meditate sometime in the day, even if it’s in the car before we get out for our latte.  Or to write in our journal about what we’ve learned about the human condition as we nod off over our writing utensil?  Is that good enough for God?

Why wouldn’t it be?
After all, if God had wanted us all to follow the same path, then he wouldn’t have created so many different ones to tempt us.  We wouldn’t have been given free choice at all.  So if you’re in self-flagellation mode about your imperfect path to enlightenment, thank God that he gave you so many choices to get there, even if you can’t get up at 3:30 in the morning.