To Filter or Not to Filter Your Discussions

So here I am in a conundrum.

A lot of things have happened in the last few months.  My home life has changed dramatically, and I have learned more about myself and listening to my gut feeling this year than in the previous 44 before.  Since there are a lot of lessons to be learned from my experiences, I would love to write about the feelings I encountered during the process.  But the Internet, she hides my words from no one.  And I was concerned that people who are already hurt will read my words and hurt even more.

But family and friends, they chided me, with wrinkled brows and stern faces.  “You can’t filter your feelings.  Say what you have to say,” they said.  Not one of my friends thought that the world would benefit from a censored perspective of my experiences, simply for the sake of sparing the feelings of one.

So from here on in, it’s coming as it really happened.  And to those whose feelings may be bruised, I’m sorry in advance.

Filling Your Holes

Everyone has holes.  Holes are my description of areas in your life in which you could use a little filling in.  Whether it be that you’re quick to judge, or that you snap at people when you’re hungry, or that you think people who live in trailers are white trash, everyone has particular holes that  need some attention and possibly repair.   It’s not that you have to completely heal them, as perhaps there is something from your upbringing that created these holes in the first place, and awareness of their existence is enough.  Noticing that they are there, and addressing their presence is healing in itself.

Even if you don’t see your own holes, they are apparent to other people.  They show themselves when you interact with them and one of the subjects of your holes is broached.  You react.  It shows.  It either helps you grow, or it holds you back.  You can ask friends to help you with your holes, by gently reminding you when you have revealed an area that may need some further learning.  Do you need to live with the same judgment that you yourself have dealt?  Can you sympathize with someone whose housing situation is currently not as bountiful as yours?  Can you project yourself into another’s eyes and see from their perspective?

If so, then your holes will fill in naturally, with experience and understanding that you were just missing some of the information.  And you will be all that closer to whole.

Letting Go of Someone You Love

Recently I had to let someone go.  It was someone I loved very much, and our lives had gone on two different paths in such a way that I was no longer understanding her position, and she no longer understood mine.  Conversations became drainfests in which I was giving energy, and she was taking it.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and every day I miss her more.  Yet I have a deep seated belief that people meet at certain times in their lives, interact and learn from one another, and then they move on.  To stay longer than is appropriate stunts each others’ growth, and can do more harm than good.  Better to let go.

Being a Guilt Free Conspicuous Consumer

I like stuff.

I like to buy things; shiny, intricate things, primitive art, and eclectic welded oddities painted bright colors. I stock up on books, and audiotapes, and sometimes shoes.

But aphorisms abound about how we should detach ourselves from the material, and realize that real joy comes from the heart, not the diamond heart necklace you just picked up on eBay. I feel that both can be true at the same time, and that in order to live a guilt free life you must come to terms with the fact that it’s OK to love both the material and the ethereal stuff at the same time. For the acquisition of certain stuff can mark a milestone in one’s life that lasts as a pleasant reminder of a great experience. And you can carry that stuff from one location to another as you progress along your life path, and it serves as portable roots, in a way.

And if you lose your stuff, or it’s stolen, or it breaks, you may feel a sort of mourning much as if a person had departed from your life. Is it bad to miss something that has been a faithful companion for many years? I don’t think that mourning a lost item is reason for feeling guilt. With that said, healing must occur eventually, or you may need some help letting go.

If you work, and you pay your bills, and you donate as much as you possibly can to recipients that you care deeply about, you save for emergencies and prepare for income for your later years, then why not buy some stuff? Why not create some memorable roots that accompany you through the best and the worst days of your life?

Here’s to stuff.

The Difference between Blame and Responsibility

People like me are perfectionists;  and when we make a decision about something, and it doesn’t come out well, we perfectionists like to beat ourselves up about what we did wrong.  I am one to take responsibility for my actions, sometimes to the point of virtual self-flagellation.  Because perfectionists believe that we should have headed these bad decisions off at the turn, before we went careening off the cliff of despair into no man’s land.  We should have had enough intelligence to analyze both sides of the situation, create pro-and-con lists, extrapolate the consequences of each decision and visualize the outcome to our benefit.

Yet other obligations get in the way, and usually there’s not enough time to complete a full analysis of our decision before making one. So when it goes wrong, our minds come back to our lack of research and preparation for the decision.

So how do you react to your bad decision? There are two paths you can take: responsibility for the decision, or self blame for its outcome. It’s your choice, and I’m sure that you have taken both roads at one time or another.

Blaming yourself for not preparing properly incites that crippling, hand-wringing guilt that serves no one. Most likely you will replay the situation over in your mind, glaring at yourself for your stupidity every time you catch yourself in a mirror.

On the other hand, taking responsibility for your decision–no matter its outcome–does serve you. It reminds you that you are human, that you made the best decision that you could make in the time frame you were given. It allows you to cache the experience in your memory for next time, and sets precedent for future decisions. This is the healthier path every time.

Think of this: when you make a good decision, do you take responsibility for that? Many may say that it was luck, or providence, or coincidence. But in truth, it was just you, and you can give yourself a mental pat on the back. You don’t replay it in your mind over and over as you do after a decision with a negative outcome (if there really are any negative outcomes, since all actions can be viewed as lessons). You revel in it; you may even smile.

Let’s try taking responsibility, rather than self blame, for each decision and its consequences, no matter whether the outcome is perceived as good or bad. This is the way to a guilt free life.

Guilt Free Prosperity – Giving Away the Last Biscuit

After losing my house, my job, business and belongings in Hurricane Katrina, I rebuilt my life into a nice, comfortable cocoon.  I have a new house, and new belongings, and a new job and two new businesses.  I have money put away like they tell me I should, and I invest in stocks and diversify.  And as I amass cash, and things, I can say that they are nice to have.

Ha !  You thought I was going to say that they didn’t mean much, that material things shouldn’t matter.  Well, I don’t believe that one single bit.  Of course they matter.  And here’s why:

They matter because most of us have worked hard to earn them.

Yet for many of us, the belief that we have something means that someone else doesn’t has been sewn into many of our everyday perceptions by family or other authority since childhood.  Did your elders ever say things like this:

Don’t take it all, honey, leave some for someone else.
Don’t be greedy, you don’t need to have it all.

Now a kid looking at the last biscuit on the tray sees only one biscuit, and his grandmother’s chiding remark was meant to teach him manners by leaving the biscuit for the guest to eat.  If we really wanted more biscuits, we could make some, or buy some.  They are not really all gone.  But this stuff sticks in our minds; and our egos apply these principles where perhaps they do not really apply.

For now you’re grown up, and when you see that last biscuit, you remember the shortage, and you feel guilty because you really want it– but Grandma, she’s still there with you.  Now your rational adult self knows that there are more biscuits out there; there could be thousands of them if you had the time or money or perseverance to acquire them.

It’s the same way with wealth.  It’s there, for anyone who chooses it.   Anyone with the time, the money, or the perseverance to pursue it.  I say that everyone has these options, yet some are living in conditions that do not currently support their implementation as easily as others.

And here’s the part Grandma neglected to tell you, because maybe she didn’t get the connection at the time:  if you give that last biscuit away, then the means to make even more biscuits presents itself to you and to the recipient.   That’s the value of Guilt Free Prosperity.

Earn it.

Love it.

Spend it.

Save  it.

But please, give as much of it away as you can.

You may not see the value in one single biscuit,  but with the gift comes the ability to create more from what’s left.  Sure there’s more out there, but perhaps, like a biscuit baking in the oven, it’s your gesture that makes it easier for the prosperity grow.

 

My Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment

I just visited Deepak Chopra’s site and took an Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment. Talk about feeling like a mixed bag of growth. The assessment asks simple questions (“Are you happy with your body?”) and questions about enlightenment (“Do you see your world as divine?”) and some referring to terms I’ve never heard of.

The assessment took about 3 minutes, and returned a result smack in the middle of the spectrum…in other words, MEDIOCRE!
This is not what I wanted to see, but when I really reflect on it, I guess it is actually pretty accurate. After all, I am a pretty worldly person (I like my electronic gadgets and sparkly stones), but I do have a sense of the divine and understand the basics of why we’re here.

This assessment, of course, allows me the room to grow, and to focus my efforts on improving the areas in which I scored pretty low (like tapping into the Akashic field, whatever that is). I got a new Kindle, so what better opportunity to take my learning to the Akashic field by way of modern technology…the best of both worlds!

If you would like to take the Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment, you can take it here

 

Namaste

Imperfections in Seemingly Perfect People

I have an arch enemy.

Not in the sense that I would like to see harm come to her, but in the sense that she is and does most of what I’d like to be and do myself.  Now since I believe in living a guilt free life, this doesn’t bode too well for the higher self.  The ego loves it, mind you, because it keeps me in my place and curbs my desire to stretch outside my comfort zone.

This person is a the most successful person I know.  She is young, beautiful, rich, a great family person, active in her church, and never seems to run out of time.  Her spouse–also beautiful of course– is a loving, complete person of his own.  They have gorgeous children that are courteous and gentle.  They drive nice cars.  They donate.  They build houses in Mexico. They work out regularly.  They have no bad habits.  They have college degrees and tons of friends and they have great parties.

They are what pretty much everyone wants to be.  It’s disgusting.

I know you are thinking that I am being resentful, envious, and jealous.  And yes, those emotions do cross my mind.  But I recognize them and send them on their way because they only cause guilt and fuel the fire of my ego.  What I focus on is a perfect example of an overachiever, who is at the far end of the bell curve (skewing it for the rest of us) but also giving us the opportunity to strive to be better in our own ways.

And then I look further inward, at some of the things that makes me different from her.  I look for my own positive qualities, ones that she may be lacking.  And I look without judgment, because surely there are things that I have learned about life that she hasn’t, and vice versa.

I recall that when she is frustrated, she comes to me to vent.  She feels like she can relate to me, even if I don’t always feel the same about her.  She confides in me, knowing that the feelings and opinions she expresses to me will go no farther.  She trusts me.  I have value to her, and she can demonstrate her own perceived weaknesses without fear of my judgment.

And despite being my arch enemy, she is my gentle reminder that not everyone can hold the same candle, nor should they.

How it can be a Big, and a Small, World at the Same Time

As of 2010, the estimated population on earth was 6.8 Billion people.  The surface area of all land on earth is about 57,506,000 square miles.  That means that each square mile on earth holds about 76 people, if they were spread evenly.  Think about a square mile around your house.  If you imagined 76 people in it, they’d be grouped together in families or tribes, and there would be lots of space in between.  You would most likely run into them sometime while on the way to forage, or to borrow an egg.  But you would most likely stick to those you know, and unless you needed something from a stranger, you would steer clear of unknowns.

But in today’s world, most people are clustered in metropolitan areas because the resources there are easier to obtain.  And chances are you run into people you know all the time.  And then you find out that people you know know other people you didn’t know that they knew, and they know you too.  In the language of Linked In, this would be a second connection.  Take the situation of a dear friend that I tried to set up with Joe, a soccer acquaintance of Jerry’s.  She and I ride horses; Joe and Jerry are soccer teammates.  Two different worlds.

So we invite them both over, these friends who are close to us but unknown to each other.  After some conversation, we all realize that they have a mutual friend, with whom Joe lives at the moment.  Small World.

Now take Zoe, an acquaintance in Florida with whom I have spoken on the telephone for over 3 years.  She’s crazy, and unforgettable, and our conversations would be loud and raucous.  Anyone that meets her would surely remember her strong personality and stunning good looks.  Her Facebook page has over 2900 fans, and twice as many people follow her on Twitter.

And she’s missing, and none of those people–whether first or second connections–know where she is.  How could such a vibrant, colorful and high profile person just disappear?  In a world where your cousin went to school with mine, where we can find Facebook friends from our junior high school classes, and where long lost friends can reunite after years of separation, how can someone actually disappear without a trace?

Now criminal conduct aside, which I pray is not the situation, Zoe could be the person to pull an Elvis, a Jim Morrison or a Marilyn.  But how do you make yourself invisible in this Small World?

My point here is this:  you are never really alone unless you want to be.  Just look outside, and most likely it won’t be long before you  see a face that you’ve seen before.  It’s the familiarity of community.  The peace in recognition.  The sense of being part of something.

Unless you don’t want to be, in which case, you can just pull a Zoe.

Realizing you are not the Center of the Universe

Yesterday, January 18, 2011, was a day of epiphany for me.

You see, until yesterday, I thought I was the center of the universe.  I existed to be the focus of attention at a party, the witty joke-deliverer, the one who made people laugh.  The one who was chosen for extra special assignments, for the writing jobs because of my excellent word choice.  The problem-solver.  The representative.  The level-headed one that could lead the group to success.

And yesterday, I gave up that role to others.  And with it, I gave up my self-perceived and  immense responsibility for saving the world.  I am free to live my life as a regular person.  I can enjoy my family, and can sit on the couch for four hours knitting without guilt.  I can draw a picture if I want to, or write a poem without the need to publish it and receive accolades from all that read it.

I am free!

At the ripe age of 45, I have realized that it’s not necessary to carry the world on my shoulders.  I can be a normal person without the need to be an overachiever.  What a relief and what a breath of fresh air.

So today, when things got rough, and I would normally have stepped in and led the team without being asked, I sat on the sidelines and observed.  I pictured myself as the wizened Eskimo elder, knowing that I could solve the problem but not forcing the solution on others.  I let them solve the problem, and when they looked to me for confirmation that their decision was a viable one, I simply nodded my head and let them take the credit.

What bliss.

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