Don’t Wait When Time is of the Essence

I once had a customer named Joe who lived in Hawaii.  He was a happy-go-lucky cool kind of guy, who worked in bare feet and stopped our telephone conversations to pick up and examine a lizard that crossed his path.  It was always a joy to talk to him, and he brightened my days.

Well Joe got cancer, and headed in a downward spiral that was faster than many.  He sold his belongings, moved back to the mainland so that his family could take care of him; yet he continued to be positive in his outlook.

I got busy with other things, and Joe wasn’t conducting business with me anymore, so he was not in the forefront of my mind.

One day in autumn last year, Joe called my work number, and I was busy with another customer.  He left a message to call him back, and I put it off until the next day, since I had so many pressing things to complete at work.

When I called back late the next day, the phone was answered by his brother, who said that Joe had voluntarily decided to request administration of large amounts of sedative which would keep him in a coma until he passed away.  He had called me the day before to say goodbye, and I had been too busy to take his call.

He passed a week later.

Today, I learned that my brother, who is suffering from terminal brain cancer, doesn’t have much time.  His wife sent out the message that if we were intending on visiting, then we should do so sooner rather than later, as we were not sure how long he would retain cognitive function.  Although I never got to say goodbye to Joe, my final experience with him was a lesson I learned the hard way.  Time is of the essence, and no matter what it costs, or which activities I need to rearrange to get it done, I will be there to say goodbye to my brother while he is still cognizant of our relationship.  These lessons are hard, but I believe that they weave the web of spiritual growth due to the challenges they provide.

Love to all.

 

 

Putting on Your Oxygen Mask First

Most of you have been on the airplane when the flight attendants go through their spiel about what to do when the oxygen masks fall out of the ceiling panel.   They remind adults to put their oxygen mask on first, and then assist others.

This advice seems to be contrary to all of the major religions’ teachings, no?  I mean, aren’t we supposed to put others’ needs before our own?  Yet we can’t take care of others unless we take care of ourselves first.   If you neglect to put on your mask, and others don’t know how to put theirs on, or need help putting theirs on, then you both die.  If your needs are met, then you are able to assist others with the learning process of using their own masks.

Seems simple enough, but how many of us really do this?  How many of us actually carve out the time to exercise, to pack a healthy lunch for ourselves, or to take a few minutes in the car alone to just reflect before we enter the house for the onslaught of family obligations?  We believe that our family must be tended to first;  yet can you truly attend to your family’s needs when you are in dire need yourself?

Steven R. Covey calls this Sharpening the Saw in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.   And  Hal Edward Runkel in Scream Free Parenting reminds us that we can’t be effective parents unless our oxygen mask is on first.

So next time your family makes demands that can wait an hour, take that time to walk uphill on the treadmill, or listen to an audio book on the back porch, or head to the nail salon and get a manicure.  You’ll be taking care of yourself, and you’ll have your oxygen mask on when you return.  Your family will be thankful that you’re calmer, more collected, and more focused on them.

Do You Hide in a Corner When Things Get Rough?

I admit it.  I am not the first to vocalize that I’ve been hurt.   It takes me a while to process things, and sometimes those who love me are left waiting for me to speak up.  Sometimes, I process my feelings, and there’s nothing more for me to say. Sometimes I am just plain WRONG, and a bit of processing time reveals this to me.

Sometimes, I need to follow up with the offender about my feelings.  Sometimes I realize that the problem is my own, I process my emotions, realize that I have been irrational, and I apologize.  Sometimes I hide away in denial until I can speak my mind.

Just a note, folks, that this is not a responsible way to solve your issues.

This is a form of denial, and it won’t get you far if you want to address issues like a grown up.

A better option:

It’s not a bad thing to want to think about what you want to say before you say it.  It worked for Mister Rogers, and it can work for you. If you have an issue with your significant other, a friend or a family member, and words have been exchanged, then it’s OK for you to tell the other party that you need some time to process what has gone on.

Rather than hiding in a corner and withholding your love, just TELL them that you need some time.  Here are some options:

“I know we have just had a conversation that included a lot of heated emotions.  I need to process this information, so please give me some time alone to do so.  My distancing myself from you is just me thinking about things, so please allow me some time alone to do that.”

“We talked about a lot tonight.  It might take me some time to process this information, so if I’m distant for a day or two, understand that I still love you and that I just need some time.”

This way, you have indicated to your loved ones that you love them, that you need some time to process your feelings, and that it’s important to you to process the information rather than just react.

Remember:  Once Said, Never Unsaid.

 

 

The Desire to Speed Things Up

As most of you may know, I lost a child recently.  We were a few months before her birth, and the whole experience was the most horrific, physically- and emotionally-painful experience of my life.  I have experienced the loss of stuff (virtually everything I owned was lost in Hurricane Katrina), and and aged mother, and even endured divorce several years ago–all in the same year.  But nothing could prepare me for the devastation of losing a child.

Although I am still not speaking to God, I as a guilt-free person seek to find the lesson in every situation that involves me in some way.  This situation, although highly emotionally-charged, is no different.  Generally it doesn’t take me long to figure it out, and I generally get my lessons on the first try, thus avoiding repeat lessons and additional pain.  This time, however, it’s not coming quite so quickly.

I took two weeks off of work to sort things out;  there were lots of medical appointments, and tons of crying and a lot of screaming at the Universe.  There were angry scowls at young mothers bouncing babies on their knees.  There was envy in many of my thoughts. There was love thrown at me from the most unlikely sources, and I am thankful for that.  And after a while, there was some hope.

The hope was in the form of other options, for being 46, it’s assumed that my eggs are just too darn old to make a viable embryo.  My husband isn’t a spring chicken either, at 38, so the odds aren’t great that we will conceive again on our own.  That’s when TWO different doctors recommended the same fertility specialist, who didn’t seem fazed in the least by our age, or by our history.  He in fact warned that we are perfect candidates for twins, and were we ready for that?

YES!  I’m ready!

But, alas, my body is not.  After basically giving birth to a stillborn child, my body is in repair phase.  It will take up to two months for the next step to take place, as multiple tests can’t be done after my body returns to its normal, non-pregnant state.   This is a lesson in patience;  there is absolutely no way around it…all my wit, charm and planning will do no good in this case.  I am forced to wait, despite my inner desire and history of getting things done.

So I will take this time to reflect, and to make art and write about the lesson that the Universe has created for me, that so far eludes me.    And I will practice patience, and self-kindness, and strengthening my bond with my inner self.

I hope the time goes by quickly, all the same.

Don’t Doubt Your Plan

Yesterday, I had a second level ultrasound done to detect possible chromosomal abnormalities in my unborn child.  There were some indications of such in an earlier ultrasound, and any parent, hearing this would be at wit’s end on how to wrap their head around such information.  As for me, I was told 13 years earlier by a psychic that I would have a little girl.  I scoffed at her, as my first husband had already had a vasectomy, but life does it’s thing and throws you a fastball once in a while.  Thankfully so, because my new husband appears to be quite fertile; which leads us to fulfilling the crazy psychic’s prediction from a decade earlier.

Not that I have placed all of my faith in what one woman said over a deck of cards long ago, but my faith also includes the belief that we have already planned the major details of our lives, long before we entered a human body.  This includes pacts and agreements with others, who also take human form, to help us learn the lessons that we’ve chosen to learn in this particular life.  It’s kind of like picking out your courses for the next semester of college;  you know the general subject that you’re taking, but you’re not given the exact lessons until you are enrolled in the class.

Well apparently, one of my lessons is to learn to live in the later years of my life.  This is one of my most pertinent ones, for most people are able to look back at their twenties, smile, and remember the freedom they had when they thought that they would never die.  Yet learning to live at an older age is quite the different type of lesson, for mortality is lurking in the shadows, and every day our bodies age and challenge us to be our best in the present moment.

My plan to truly live my life at an older age includes the birth of a child; and with it the responsibility of caring for an innocent being that can benefit from my extra years on this earth.  I understand now that this is part of my life plan, so whatever the Universe throws at me at the Doctor’s office, I know deep down inside that I was the one who created it exactly as it is, in order to get yet another course under my belt.  I am not doubting my plan in the least.

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