Supporting Something that Ends up Hurting You

There are people that you meet that influence your life in some sort of small way.  And then there are people that you meet that change you in enormous ways.  Usually this is unexpected, and you really may not know that you are being affected in such a large way until that relationship changes and you are disconnected from that person.  That distance gives you time to think.

This happened recently when one of my dearest friends moved far away.

Our relationship started as a professional one, where I hired her to train my horse, and me, on how to get along nicely with others.  In the meantime, we grew together as friends, sharing a love for horses, life and the common struggles that women endure in these times.  But her life here was a troubled one;  she could never fulfill her true dream in this place and time.  She made the decision to accept an offer 1500 miles away;  one that would bring her closer in alignment to her goal of training and showing high echelon Saddlebreds in the show circuit.

Now me, as a good friend, I should have supported her.  But did I?  No.  I didn’t.  I projected my sadness and disappointment and–OK I’m saying it–envy–that she was one step closer to her dream, and she was leaving me in the dust both professionally and by abandoning (from my perspective) our friendship.  I was so self-absorbed that I couldn’t be happy for my best friend.  She was so fantastic both as a trainer and as a friend that I still can’t find a replacement for either of those holes she left in my life.

So from this experience comes the realization that friendship really does include that cliche “If you love someone, then let them go.” I am trying hard to support her in her quest to be a star trainer.  In fact, she came home with blue ribbons galore at last weekend’s show.

I should have been there to cheer her on.

To Filter or Not to Filter Your Discussions

So here I am in a conundrum.

A lot of things have happened in the last few months.  My home life has changed dramatically, and I have learned more about myself and listening to my gut feeling this year than in the previous 44 before.  Since there are a lot of lessons to be learned from my experiences, I would love to write about the feelings I encountered during the process.  But the Internet, she hides my words from no one.  And I was concerned that people who are already hurt will read my words and hurt even more.

But family and friends, they chided me, with wrinkled brows and stern faces.  “You can’t filter your feelings.  Say what you have to say,” they said.  Not one of my friends thought that the world would benefit from a censored perspective of my experiences, simply for the sake of sparing the feelings of one.

So from here on in, it’s coming as it really happened.  And to those whose feelings may be bruised, I’m sorry in advance.

Filling Your Holes

Everyone has holes.  Holes are my description of areas in your life in which you could use a little filling in.  Whether it be that you’re quick to judge, or that you snap at people when you’re hungry, or that you think people who live in trailers are white trash, everyone has particular holes that  need some attention and possibly repair.   It’s not that you have to completely heal them, as perhaps there is something from your upbringing that created these holes in the first place, and awareness of their existence is enough.  Noticing that they are there, and addressing their presence is healing in itself.

Even if you don’t see your own holes, they are apparent to other people.  They show themselves when you interact with them and one of the subjects of your holes is broached.  You react.  It shows.  It either helps you grow, or it holds you back.  You can ask friends to help you with your holes, by gently reminding you when you have revealed an area that may need some further learning.  Do you need to live with the same judgment that you yourself have dealt?  Can you sympathize with someone whose housing situation is currently not as bountiful as yours?  Can you project yourself into another’s eyes and see from their perspective?

If so, then your holes will fill in naturally, with experience and understanding that you were just missing some of the information.  And you will be all that closer to whole.

Letting Go of Someone You Love

Recently I had to let someone go.  It was someone I loved very much, and our lives had gone on two different paths in such a way that I was no longer understanding her position, and she no longer understood mine.  Conversations became drainfests in which I was giving energy, and she was taking it.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and every day I miss her more.  Yet I have a deep seated belief that people meet at certain times in their lives, interact and learn from one another, and then they move on.  To stay longer than is appropriate stunts each others’ growth, and can do more harm than good.  Better to let go.

Guilt Free Eating – Free Download Reminder Card

Guilt Free Eating

You can eat without guilt.  If you listen to your body, and feed it the cleanest foods possible, there is no need to deprive yourself of anything.  In fact, the better the quality of the food you eat, the less you’ll crave those foods that do not provide your body with nutrients.  There’s no need for me to define which foods are healthiest–just keep it as close as possible to natural, unprocessed foods and eat until you feel satisfied but not full.  Take your time, and chew with purpose.  You will find yourself eating less naturally.

As a reminder, you can print out this card and post it on your refrigerator as a gentle reminder that you can eat guilt free.

You can download it here.

Guilt Free Self Confidence

Here is an example of one of my new Guilt Free Life cards, which will be released in a bound mini-book in late 2011. It’s a 24-page “feel-gooder” that won’t be horribly expensive, but you can throw it in your purse or car and glance at one of 22 different reminders of how to live guilt free every day. I will be offering free downloads of the cards here and there so that you can print them out before the book is released.

You can download this one here.

Being a Guilt Free Conspicuous Consumer

I like stuff.

I like to buy things; shiny, intricate things, primitive art, and eclectic welded oddities painted bright colors. I stock up on books, and audiotapes, and sometimes shoes.

But aphorisms abound about how we should detach ourselves from the material, and realize that real joy comes from the heart, not the diamond heart necklace you just picked up on eBay. I feel that both can be true at the same time, and that in order to live a guilt free life you must come to terms with the fact that it’s OK to love both the material and the ethereal stuff at the same time. For the acquisition of certain stuff can mark a milestone in one’s life that lasts as a pleasant reminder of a great experience. And you can carry that stuff from one location to another as you progress along your life path, and it serves as portable roots, in a way.

And if you lose your stuff, or it’s stolen, or it breaks, you may feel a sort of mourning much as if a person had departed from your life. Is it bad to miss something that has been a faithful companion for many years? I don’t think that mourning a lost item is reason for feeling guilt. With that said, healing must occur eventually, or you may need some help letting go.

If you work, and you pay your bills, and you donate as much as you possibly can to recipients that you care deeply about, you save for emergencies and prepare for income for your later years, then why not buy some stuff? Why not create some memorable roots that accompany you through the best and the worst days of your life?

Here’s to stuff.

The Difference between Blame and Responsibility

People like me are perfectionists;  and when we make a decision about something, and it doesn’t come out well, we perfectionists like to beat ourselves up about what we did wrong.  I am one to take responsibility for my actions, sometimes to the point of virtual self-flagellation.  Because perfectionists believe that we should have headed these bad decisions off at the turn, before we went careening off the cliff of despair into no man’s land.  We should have had enough intelligence to analyze both sides of the situation, create pro-and-con lists, extrapolate the consequences of each decision and visualize the outcome to our benefit.

Yet other obligations get in the way, and usually there’s not enough time to complete a full analysis of our decision before making one. So when it goes wrong, our minds come back to our lack of research and preparation for the decision.

So how do you react to your bad decision? There are two paths you can take: responsibility for the decision, or self blame for its outcome. It’s your choice, and I’m sure that you have taken both roads at one time or another.

Blaming yourself for not preparing properly incites that crippling, hand-wringing guilt that serves no one. Most likely you will replay the situation over in your mind, glaring at yourself for your stupidity every time you catch yourself in a mirror.

On the other hand, taking responsibility for your decision–no matter its outcome–does serve you. It reminds you that you are human, that you made the best decision that you could make in the time frame you were given. It allows you to cache the experience in your memory for next time, and sets precedent for future decisions. This is the healthier path every time.

Think of this: when you make a good decision, do you take responsibility for that? Many may say that it was luck, or providence, or coincidence. But in truth, it was just you, and you can give yourself a mental pat on the back. You don’t replay it in your mind over and over as you do after a decision with a negative outcome (if there really are any negative outcomes, since all actions can be viewed as lessons). You revel in it; you may even smile.

Let’s try taking responsibility, rather than self blame, for each decision and its consequences, no matter whether the outcome is perceived as good or bad. This is the way to a guilt free life.

Guilt Free Prosperity – Giving Away the Last Biscuit

After losing my house, my job, business and belongings in Hurricane Katrina, I rebuilt my life into a nice, comfortable cocoon.  I have a new house, and new belongings, and a new job and two new businesses.  I have money put away like they tell me I should, and I invest in stocks and diversify.  And as I amass cash, and things, I can say that they are nice to have.

Ha !  You thought I was going to say that they didn’t mean much, that material things shouldn’t matter.  Well, I don’t believe that one single bit.  Of course they matter.  And here’s why:

They matter because most of us have worked hard to earn them.

Yet for many of us, the belief that we have something means that someone else doesn’t has been sewn into many of our everyday perceptions by family or other authority since childhood.  Did your elders ever say things like this:

Don’t take it all, honey, leave some for someone else.
Don’t be greedy, you don’t need to have it all.

Now a kid looking at the last biscuit on the tray sees only one biscuit, and his grandmother’s chiding remark was meant to teach him manners by leaving the biscuit for the guest to eat.  If we really wanted more biscuits, we could make some, or buy some.  They are not really all gone.  But this stuff sticks in our minds; and our egos apply these principles where perhaps they do not really apply.

For now you’re grown up, and when you see that last biscuit, you remember the shortage, and you feel guilty because you really want it– but Grandma, she’s still there with you.  Now your rational adult self knows that there are more biscuits out there; there could be thousands of them if you had the time or money or perseverance to acquire them.

It’s the same way with wealth.  It’s there, for anyone who chooses it.   Anyone with the time, the money, or the perseverance to pursue it.  I say that everyone has these options, yet some are living in conditions that do not currently support their implementation as easily as others.

And here’s the part Grandma neglected to tell you, because maybe she didn’t get the connection at the time:  if you give that last biscuit away, then the means to make even more biscuits presents itself to you and to the recipient.   That’s the value of Guilt Free Prosperity.

Earn it.

Love it.

Spend it.

Save  it.

But please, give as much of it away as you can.

You may not see the value in one single biscuit,  but with the gift comes the ability to create more from what’s left.  Sure there’s more out there, but perhaps, like a biscuit baking in the oven, it’s your gesture that makes it easier for the prosperity grow.

 

My Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment

I just visited Deepak Chopra’s site and took an Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment. Talk about feeling like a mixed bag of growth. The assessment asks simple questions (“Are you happy with your body?”) and questions about enlightenment (“Do you see your world as divine?”) and some referring to terms I’ve never heard of.

The assessment took about 3 minutes, and returned a result smack in the middle of the spectrum…in other words, MEDIOCRE!
This is not what I wanted to see, but when I really reflect on it, I guess it is actually pretty accurate. After all, I am a pretty worldly person (I like my electronic gadgets and sparkly stones), but I do have a sense of the divine and understand the basics of why we’re here.

This assessment, of course, allows me the room to grow, and to focus my efforts on improving the areas in which I scored pretty low (like tapping into the Akashic field, whatever that is). I got a new Kindle, so what better opportunity to take my learning to the Akashic field by way of modern technology…the best of both worlds!

If you would like to take the Enlightened Wellbeing Self Assessment, you can take it here

 

Namaste

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