The Gossip Boomerang

Admit it…we all do it.  There’s the really annoying girl with bad habits two cubicles down that you just can’t wait to hear about.  After all, if she misbehaves on Friday night and your friends were there to see the debacle, of course they’ll talk about it.  And because it’s juicy information, you have to listen.  You may or may not pass the information on, but if it’s that torrid, wouldn’t you just be the informed one at the next gossip gathering?

Yet in this world of expanding awareness, I would implore you to think a step further than your immediate gratification.  If your friends are willing to talk to you about someone’s actions while the subject of the gossip isn’t there to defend herself, why wouldn’t they talk about yours while you weren’t there either?

Clean as the driven snow, are you?  Show me someone that truly is.

Now perhaps one in a thousand doesn’t really give a crap whether others talk about him or not.  But odds are, you’re one of those who does care.  For the rest of us, gossip is nothing more than disrespect for another person–and we partake in it for one of three reasons:

• It makes you feel better about yourself
• It takes attention away from yourself
• It brings attention to yourself

Let me explain each of these briefly:

It makes you feel better about yourself

Yes, you know what’s happening with ev–erybody and all your snitches trust you with this clandestine information…and in order to show others that you are in with the IN people, you demonstrate this knowledge to anyone who will stand around long enough.

It takes attention away from yourself

If you can dish out the dirt on someone else, maybe those who question your character or its actions may overlook your faults.

It brings attention to yourself

Love to be the center of the crowd, do you?  Did you bring your own soapbox to the party or did you use the host’s?  Chances are you love to be heard, and dealing out trash about others brings ears closer that may not have ever given you a chance otherwise.
Many years ago,  I visited a sports bar after work for a drink with a few co-workers.  I danced one line dance with a beer in my hand, played a video game and left 20 minutes later.  When I returned to work the next day to winks, nudges and cries to “show me more!” I finally had to ask someone why everyone was acting that way.

“Don’t you remember?  Maybe you were too drunk to recall dancing on the bar in your bra.”

Wow.  That wasn’t me, for sure.  But someone decided to play Whisper Down the Lane, and look what happened to my quiet night with one beer.

So next time you hear the gossip flying, stand up for the absent person and defend her.  Or if you can’t do that, walk away.  She probably only had one beer and went home anyway.

Do you accuse?

As humans, we need others to exist.  Short from being the guy who lives alone in the cabin on the mountain, we need interactions with others to live a fulfilled life.  And unlike the guy in the cabin, who probably takes nothing for granted because he must exist by his own hard work, we in civilization often take others for granted.

Think of the last time you had a disagreement with another.  Did you listen to the other person’s side of the argument or were you just waiting to more firmly state your own case?  Chances are, you did not.  For it is our ego’s responsibility to ensure that we withhold its standing, whether that entail being “right,” being “the more powerful”, or being “in control” of the situation.  You may have accused your partner of acting in a certain way, or of using unfair tactics.

When you accuse, you are taking love out of the picture, and letting your ego take precedence over the situation.  So unless you would like to chop wood and live like the guy on the mountain, remember that relationships are the most important aspect of life, and really the only reason we are here in the first place.

When you accuse, you remove love.

Using Guilt as a Last Resort

My son recently asked me to play basketball with him.  I haven’t played basketball since 3rd grade phys-ed, and even then I was the laughing stock when we got back to the locker room.  So when he asked me to play, my memories rushed to the forefront and took over my tongue.  I found every excuse I could to delay the game:  I was tired, I just ate, it was time to cook dinner.  But he kept asking, and I continued with my excuses.  Finally, my son welled up with tears and said “You never spend time with me.  I keep asking you and you want to do all your stuff and not play with me.”  He stormed off to his room and locked the door.

Before I went in to smooth things over, I spoke to my partner, who spilled the beans.

“He told me that he was using the thing that works best on you:  guilt.”

My own son was using all of the lessons I taught him about living a guilt-free life against me.  Here I have spent years teaching others about how to live a life without guilt, and he had jumped the fence and honed my techniques for his own benefit.  Now I’m not releasing myself from blame here, because if I had taken the time to actually confront my own issues and enjoy the time with my son then he never would have had to use guilt against me.

Does anyone use these techniques on you?  It’s up to you to recognize the signs that someone is trying to reach you, and this may have been their last ditch attempt to get through to you.

See more guilt-related posts on TheGuiltFreeLife.com